I'm 16 and gay.
I recently got into an argument with my parents over whether HIV is spread by
saliva, or if you can be infected during oral sex. I thought that you were safe
kissing and that it's okay to have oral sex, but that you need to use condoms
for anal sex. My parents disagree and I found mixed answers searching online. I
trust you, though—what do you say?
Good Gay Boy
You
trust me, GGB, but your parents probably wouldn't. And the whole point of this
exchange is getting you the info/ammo you need to set your parents at
ease/shoot down their arguments, right? So I'm going to step aside and let some
HIV prevention pros have a crack at your questions. Think of this column as a
sex-ed gangbang I've arranged just for you—but, um, don't describe it to
your parents that way.
"To
be exposed to HIV, you would have to come in contact with someone who is
HIV-positive and a fluid—semen, vaginal secretions, blood—that can
transmit HIV," says Krishna Stone, assistant director of community relations at
Gay Men's Health Crisis in New York City. "And there would also need to be a
point of entry—unprotected vaginal or anal sex without condoms," that
would bring the virus into contact with mucous membranes that could absorb it.
Stone
makes a great point: You can't be exposed to HIV unless you're having sex with
someone who has HIV. The AIDS virus isn't fire and gay men aren't twigs; it
doesn't matter how vigorously you rub us against each other, we're not going to
suddenly burst into HIV. If you're having sex—safe sex—with someone
who's HIV-negative like you, GGB, you have nothing to worry about on the HIV
front. Well, except for your boyfriend's truthfulness and any changes to his
HIV status since his last test—which is why you should be having safe sex
regardless, even if you think you're both negative.
But
let's say you're not with just one guy. Let's say you're running around having
sex—safe sex—with random guys (not that I'm saying you should).
Some of these guys are likely to be HIV-positive. So are you at risk of contracting
HIV when you kiss poz guys?
"Kissing
carries no risk of HIV transmission according to the Canadian AIDS Society's
HIV transmission guidelines," says Rui Pires, gay men's community education
coordinator for the AIDS Committee of Toronto, "[because] saliva doesn't
transmit HIV."
So
has anyone ever been infected via kissing?
"There
has been a documented case of HIV transmitted through 'deep kissing,' [and the
infection] occurred because both of those involved had current gum disease and
had bleeding gums," says Beau Gratzer, director of HIV/STD prevention at Howard
Brown in Chicago. "Generally speaking, blood must be visible in the saliva in
order to pose a risk of HIV transmission."
So
promise your parents, GGB, that there'll be no deep kissing after you and your
boyfriend go get your wisdom teeth pulled together, okay?
What
about oral sex? What kind of risks are there when you're blowing guys who could
be positive?
"It's
reassuring to know that your parents care about your health and well-being, but
they're misinformed about how HIV is transmitted," says Hunter Hargraves,
community initiatives coordinator at the STOP AIDS Project in San Francisco.
"Oral sex is very low risk for transmitting HIV." Low risk does not mean no risk—some men have been infected
giving head. "But even though oral sex is very low risk for HIV," adds
Hargraves, "other STDs like gonorrhea and chlamydia can still be transmitted
via oral sex," giving and
receiving, "and having an STD increases the potential for HIV transmission."
What
can you do to minimize the already low risk of contracting HIV when performing
oral sex?
"HIV
transmission is possible only if you have a cut or abrasion in your mouth or
throat through which the virus can enter your bloodstream," says Pires. So
don't go down on anyone if you have a cut or abrasion. To avoid creating one,
"no flossing or brushing 45 minutes before you go down on somebody," says
Hargraves. You can also minimize your risks, says Howard Brown's Gratzer, "[by]
not getting semen/come in your mouth, reducing your number of oral sex
partners, and using a [condom] while engaging in oral sex." I'd like to add to
this list: Don't sleep with total sleazefags, don't be a total sleazefag
yourself, and don't allow anyone to pressure you into doing anything you don't
want to do.
And
now I'm going to give the last word to one of the pros…
"It's
great that you recognize that using condoms for anal sex is the best way to
prevent HIV transmission," says Hargraves. "Score one for gay youth!"
For me and my
muscle-bound bondage boy, Dan, a large part of the turn-on would evaporate if
somebody were "within earshot at all times," per your advice last week. With
all due respect to the grieving widow, Mrs. Bargy is an idiot. She left her
husband tied up and alone for 20 HOURS? Dumb! When I leave my boy roped up and
go to a movie, knowing that he's working fiercely, angrily, and uselessly to
get free while I'm gone, well… I'd hate to be denied that pleasure because some
moron left her husband tied and gagged for a whole damn day. I leave my
helpless goldfish home alone. Why not my tied-up plaything? Can't an exception
be made for those of us who actually have a brain?
Mr. Roper
If you leave the
house and your goldfish bowl springs a leak and your precious goldfish dies,
MR, you get another goldfish. If you leave the house and your muscle-bound
bondage boy accidentally works himself into a position that compromises his
breathing and he asphyxiates, you get indicted. But, hey, you and your boy are
free to take calculated risks. But if you miscalculate, MR, be prepared to
shoulder the consequences.
You told Geezer
In Love, the 52-year-old man who found himself falling for a younger coworker
who seemed to reciprocate his interest, "For all you know, this woman, like
your coworkers, thinks you're a creepy old lech." My husband, who's been my
partner for 14 years, is 34 years older than I am and he is not a "creepy old
lech." Try loving, sexy, accomplished, and playful! You blithely dashed GIL's
hopes, Dan, and then insulted him. I'm disappointed.
Love My Older
Husband
The
fact that your husband isn't a creepy old lech, LMOH, doesn't prove that GIL
isn't a creepy old lech. My boyfriend is tall, blond, in his 30s, and he's not a cannibal. Using your logic, we'd have to
conclude that Jeffrey Dahmer—who was tall, blond, and in his
30s—wasn't a cannibal, either.
And,
come on, I never said that a younger person can't fall for an older person or
vice versa. But an older man who thinks he's getting an interested vibe from a
younger woman has to be on his guard against dickful thinking. GIL needs to ask
himself if his coworker is truly interested before he does anything
rash/idiotic/actionable. That's all I was saying.
Oh,
and speaking of older folks banging/dating/marrying younger folks, some weeks
back I solicited letters from readers about the "campsite rule," my rule for
older folks dating younger folks (leave them in better shape than you found
them). A selection of those responses can be read at avclub.com/savagelove/campsite.
Download the Savage
Lovecast (my weekly
podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
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