my half-ass, substance-free, borderline nonsensical top five list

By Nathan Rabin | August 11, 2005 | 10:00pm

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One of the harsh demands of being a professional film critic is having to support your thoughts and opinions with thorough, thoughtful, well-reasoned arguments. Needless to say, that can be a seriously bummer, not to mention a total buzzkill. Thankfully the standards are much more lax and lenient here in the blogosphere, where everything be all blogacetic not to mention blogtastic and blogriffic so I hereby present my half-ass, substance-free list of my favorite films of 2005, along with inane, nonsensical explanations, many of which are just random bits of slang stolen wholesale from cheesy pop songs:

1. My Summer of Love-West side!!!!!!!!!
2. Kung Fu Hustle: Dude, When I saw "Shaolin Soccer" I decided that Stephen Chow was either the world's biggreest spazz or a stone-cold cinematic super-genius. "Kung Fu Hustle" proves conclusively that he's both the world's biggest spazz and a stone-cold cinematic super-genius.
3. Hustle & Flow: Who let the dogs out? I believe it was "Hustle & Flow". I have no idea what that means either.
4. The Squid and The Whale: I know others are going to disagree strongly with me about this but I found this wrenching, autobiographical comedy-drama to be at the very least shizzle for dizzle.
5. Me, You and Everyone We Know: Every once in a while you see a film that makes you wantt to yell out "Mike Jones, Mike Jones" for no discernible reason. For me "Me You and Everyone We Know" was that kind of a film.
6. Broken Flowers: Dude, if Lou Bega's"Mambo Number 5" were adapted into a movie, I think it's fairly safe to say it'd be nothing whatsoever like "Broken Flowers"

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and now the big blockbusters:

"Batman Begins"-Remember how the song "Batdance" was kinda lame, and didn't even really seem like a real song? "Batman Begins" was nothing whatsoever like that.

Star Wars III: The Quickening of the Electric Sith Boogaloo: Dude, can you believe Beck, of all people, is a friggin' Scientologist? Try wrapping your mind around that.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith-You know who's always really funny on Late Night With Conan O'Brien? Brian Stack. He is one of the most consistently brilliant comic performers on TV. Last night he did this really strange character, the ghost of a crooner with a distinctly Bing Crosby-like hypnotic mellowness who sang upbeat ditties about how the U.S should surrender to Germany and Japan immediately that had me in stitches. Oh goodness it was hilarious. Also, there was unmotivated Irish-bashing. He also does a bang up Frankenstein and an old-timey joke salesman that may be my favorite character on the whole show. So, in conclusion, kudos to Brian Stack, whose work whose work has nothing whatsoever to do with "Mr and Mrs. Smith".

"War of the Worlds"-Dude, remember how in "War of the Worlds" Tom Cruise was all like "Duh, I'm a Scientologist" and then Dakota Fanning was like "Jesus, how come I never age?" and then Tim Robbins was all like "Doh de doh, I have an Academy Award. Aren't I the greatest actor ever"?

Land of the Dead: Zombies are fun, aren't they?

That's about it. I apologize for any and all grievous oversights. I similarly apologize if any substance made its way into my post. That certainly wasn't my intention.