Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Never forget: Taylor Swift is actually an Illuminati clone of Anton LaVey's daughter

Taylor Swift’s new album Reputation should drop at midnight tonight, preceded by a string of high-concept singles and videos. These have rekindled a conversation about the ongoing ambiguity as to the pop star’s political beliefs—she doggedly refused to state who she voted for in the last election—and her semi-ironic embrace by Neo-Nazis and the alt-right, all of which has resulted in Swift’s lawyers sending threatening letters to bloggers and a whole new imbroglio with the ACLU. But let’s never forget the original and greatest Swift controversy of them all: The fact that she looks so much lik Church Of Satan founder Anton Lavey’s daughter Zeena that she is probably an Illuminati clone of her.

The evidence here really speaks for itself: Look at them!

Such physical resemblance is clearly an argument for cloning, but why Illuinati-bred? The reasoning there is slightly more complicated. There’s a rich tradition of Illuminati conspiracy theories detailing clones of famous people such as Britney Spears, Eminem, and even Avril Lavigne. The reasoning for these supposed Illuminati clones varies; sometimes they’re to satisfy various world leader’s sexual perversions, other times they’re to replace a murdered famous person, and in other cases still they are to harvest organs, as seen in the Michael Bay film The Island. The logic in this particular instance is even more convoluted than usual, as Swift would actually be the clone of a significantly less famous person, but look, the point here is that the Illuminati are cloning people and Taylor Swift is one of them. Maybe Zeena just wanted more Zeenas. Their mysteries are not for us to decipher.

Please keep this in mind while listening to Reputation, if so inclined. Also, remember that she doesn’t have a belly button.

Clayton Purdom is a writer and editor based in Columbus, Ohio.

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