In 2017, right when we all needed her help most, Kendall Jenner solved the world’s problems by sharing a Pepsi with a cop, thereby ending the need for any further public protests. That issue fixed, Coke has now arrived to suggest that, with some sweet fizzy drinks and the example of a newly pacifist competitive video game player, we may now be on the road toward the end of all international strife, too.
The new commercial, which we imagine is currently leading to global nuclear disarmament and the eradication of borders across the world, opens on a massive auditorium filled with a crowd going absolutely wild for an esports tournament based on a we-promise-it’s-not-actually-Warcraft battle royale-type game. Our hero, “G-W4rr1or,” is shown looking overwhelmed by the incredibly high stakes of the video game competition and, to refresh herself, reaches into a handy mini-fridge to retrieve a Coke.
The pressure she was suffering seems well founded since what follows appears to shake not just the world of esports to its core, but also, quite possibly, lead the way toward a new era of eternal peace. In short: The taste of Coca-Cola sends G-W4rr1or on a digital trip through the birth memories of her orc character and his saddened view of the horrors of war, which then leads her to, we guess, see beyond the futility of the video game’s battle. Her avatar throws down his weapon, helps an opponent up from the ground, and the world reacts with incredible shock. Nobody can believe this shit. How could she do such a thing?
Streamers and viewers watch slack-jawed at the development. A newscaster reports on the event to a group of business people. The chyron reads: “We will no longer fight.” Dramatic music swells as the entire globe watches G-W4rr1or’s example of how, with mouths properly coated in sugary carbonated syrup, we can end war once and for all.
The orc and the esports player smile at one another. The moving words “we are one Coke away from each other” appear on the screen.
Hopefully, unlike Pepsi, Coke will stick to its dream and refuse to pull this commercial. It’s the only way we’ll ever know world peace in our lifetimes.
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