Nymphomaniac

Lars Von Trier has offered this “appetizer” for his upcoming Nymphomaniac, as though any further aperitif were needed beyond the months we've spent discussing Shia LaBeouf’s penis. And yet, like a bruschetta stuffed with artichoke dip, served atop famous genitals, here is the unnecessary amuse-bouche for Von Trier’s already-infamous tale of celebrities having confusingly simulated-or-possibly-not sex, before the smorgasbord of character-actor intercourse finally makes its way stateside, at a date to be determined. There’s no sight of LaBeouf’s penis here, nor the respective genitals of fellow cast members Charlotte Gainsbourg, Christian Slater, Jamie Bell, Uma Thurman, Willem Dafoe, Connie Nielsen, or Stellan Skarsgård. There is only Stacy Martin as a younger version of Gainsbourg’s character, getting her first lesson in bizarre food-and-sex relationships as she learns the ropes of seducing men while thinking about chocolate. (No, “chocolate” is not a metaphor. Don’t be disgusting.)