If you did your patriotic duty this weekend and saw Indiana Jones And Those Are Not Aliens, They're Inter-Dimensional Beings, Even Though We Can See How You'd Make That Mistake Cause They Totally Do Look Like Aliens this weekend, you probably exited the theater with two questions sitting like bricks only moveable by inter-dimensional beings in your mind: 1. How can Shia LeBoeuf's hair look both so thick and so thin in pompadour form? and 2. When can I ride that movie?
Unfortunately, the first question, like so many LeBoeuf-related mysteries, is unresolvable. But the answer to the second question is: "Probably very soon." With every new Indiana Jones movie comes a new Indiana Jones attraction at a Disney theme park. But will Crystal Skull translate as well to theme park attractions as it did to Kellogg's cereal? Here are a few ideas for possible Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull Disney attractions:
The Real Treasure Is Knowledge™ Golden Temple Experience
This white-knuckle roller coaster takes you inside a giant, glittery South American temple, where the walls are paved with intelligence covered in pure gold. You'll wind your way around piles of thoughts (mixed with rubies) at breakneck speed, zoom beneath arches made of wisdom and shiny shiny diamonds, before bursting into the Knowledge Chamber full of crystal skulls, platinum pillars, and chests full of gold coins as far as the eye can see.
Anti-Communist Monkey Adventure
Hang on to your Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull rubber switchblade (actual switchblades, knives, nail files, tweezers, and pointy barrettes will be confiscated at the park gates) this virtual reality ride recreates the experience of swinging through a Peruvian jungle guided by a band of all-American, friendly, pompadoured monkeys. Watch as the monkeys lead Americans to safety vine by vine, while sniffing out and attacking evil pinko communists.
Indiana Jones Triple Waterfall Drop
The part in the movie that you totally thought looked like a water ride at Disney World now is a water ride at Disney World! Weird, right? Don't be afraid to take the plunge!
That's Not A Ride, It's A Snake! Ride
This roller coaster awkwardly hamfists Indiana Jones' well-documented, and thoroughly humanizing fear of snakes into every element of the ride: The straps that hold you in place are actually snakes, the handlebar you've been clutching the entire time turns out to be a snake, you glance down mid-loop-de-loop and realize the floor of the coaster is made entirely of snakes, and when you exit the coaster after 5 minutes of pure, snake-filled exhilaration, you'll turn around and discover that the coaster's tracks were actually snakes! Finally, a ride that Indy himself would be afraid to ride!
Inter-Dimensional Space Within Space Mountain
Strap yourself in for a trip through the galaxies between galaxies. Yes, this ride looks a lot like Space Mountain, but it's actually Space Within Space Mountain—a fact you'll be reminded of again and again as you zoom through a place that looks a lot like outer space but is actually the space within space.