Dustin Diamond, who you'll remember from such roles as Screech in Saved By The Bell, Screech in Saved By The Bell: The College Years, Screech in Saved By The Bell: The New Class, and Guy Who Played Screech in the sex tape that should not be, Saved By The Smell, doesn't know how to be a good has-been. It's taken him eight years to finally getting around to writing (via ghostwriter) a tell-all book about Saved By The Bell.

From Vulture:

Behind the Bell, which Gotham Books preempted from Objective Entertainment's Jarred Weisfeld, promises to detail "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying,"


Not just partying, "hardcore partying," which is only two bottles of Arbor Mist and one Bud Light Party Ball away from "Partying to the maxxx." But before you get dizzy with anticipation about the prospect of finally learning all of the details of Lark Voorhies' out-of-control sweet 16 party—complete with stuffed white Bengal Tiger, hollowed out and full of cocaine, and a totally tweaked-out Mario Lopez rubbing gunpowder all over his chest and lighting it with sparklers just for kicks—there are a few things to consider. Here's why this Tell-All isn't going to be as great as it sounds:

1. Dustin Diamond starred in both Celebrity Boxing and Celebrity Fit-Club, as well as a dirty sanchez sex tape before he decided to write the tell-all. Not a good sign. If a tell-all has any good gossip at all it would be the first resort, not the last resort after a career of humiliation.

2. The news item doesn't say which incarnation of Saved By The Bell the book will focus on—So expect lots of juicy behind-the-scenes tales about "Scott," aka replacement Zack, on Saved By The Bell:The New Class.

3. Marc-Paul Gosselaar isn't involved, and you know he has all the good gossip anyway.

4. The title. Behind The Bell? It's like they're not even trying. Why not: Ruined By The Bell, or Fast Times At Bayside High, or It's Not Alright: The Sordid Scene Behind Saved By The Bell?