This Week In Terrifying Hybrids

1. Jackass + Competitive Eating - Bam Margera + G4's beautiful vision of a vomit spirograph = g4's Hurl!

Hurl! Does that exclamation point indicate a command (as in "Hurl, Dude!") or just general excitement about the prospect of televised regurgitation (as in, "Woo! That guy's totally gonna hurl!")? It's probably a little of both.

When I first found out about g4's puke parade game show, Hurl!, I thought it was a competitive vomiting show, as in "Tonight, these three contestants will eat 48 mushroom and swiss cheese Hot Pockets. But how many of the delicious savory pockets will they throw up? Grab a bucket: It's the Hot Pocket Hot Vomit Challenge on Hurl!." But, as it turns out, the whole point of the show is not to vomit, so I guess G4 showed some restraint in their attempt to come up with the grossest, humanity-staining game show that's ever existed (which is an exercise in futility, anyway, because Fear Factor existed, and, try though you may, you can't rub out its presence from the universe).

When you think about what could have been–the pukey, Joe-Rogan-y, scorpion-eating depths to which G4 could have sunk–the green Hazmat suits and buckets of chicken pot pies are almost kind of quaint. Like trapped-in-a-nightmare-carnival-where everyone's-nauseated kind of quaint.

2. The cloud of depression surrounding Last Comic Standing + Honda + the misery trigger that is Bill Bellamy's "If I yell, it's funny!" voice = Last Comic Driving

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What a terrific way to sell SUVs! Everyone wants a car with that special "pathetic" feel, where the thick smell of failure just hits you in the face as soon as you open the door. Does it come with its own chorus of laffers, who, even though they've been paid to laugh, can't possibly fill the echoing silence of the world's saddest comedy club on wheels? Instead of the "Pilot," why not call it what it really is "The Chuckle Hut, off of I-10, right next to the La Quinta Inn. You thought we closed, but we're still here!"

The only way this would be funny is if the British woman just drove them all head-on right into a tree, The Happening-style.

3. A man who is irritation personified + Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: For Dummies + book tour + severe, debilitating narcissism = Showtime's I Can't Believe I'm Still Single



So you can capture the empty void in a narcissist's eyes on film! Good work, Showtime. You're really pushing the edgy envelope onto all kinds of new exciting edges with this one. Mind-numbing relationship talk, the thrilling spectacle of a book tour, references to strap-ons, and a complete jackass? This can't miss.

Whenever someone says that Showtime is the new HBO (whatever that means), you should show them this. Yes, HBO let the guy from Entourage air his documentary about finding his dad, but they never made a reality series about Eric Schaeffer's "What do you like most about me?" "I want a wife, cause I hate being by myself, and I want someone to love me me me." book tour.

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