Politics can be difficult to understand, but, with a bit of help from the experts, even the most clueless among us can learn more about the financial and legal systems governing the world around us. Consider California: a simple person, unversed in the intricacies of American political systems, might consider it a state that, though troubled by income inequality, in no way resembles a dystopian wasteland. Fox News experts, though, would disagree, as we can see in this clip of Tucker “I Was Somehow Cooler With The Bowties” Carlson interviewing noted financial and legal scholar, Fabio Lanzoni.
Carlson introduces his topic by furrowing his brow in trademark puzzlement while recounting the waste management details of a Californian homeless camp as a summary of the state’s general health. “It sounds chaotic and dirty,” he says. “Let me tell you something right now about California,” Fabio replies, no doubt squeezing Kegels below camera-height so as to sneak in a quick work-out during the interview, “It [looks] like a wild, wild west.”
Fabio, a sentient wig, continues by informing viewers just how skewed their perceptions of California may be. We learn that the state’s laws are created by criminals who govern with an eye toward protecting their criminal brethren (ISIS is, of course, name-checked), that “not even third-world countries 30 years ago look like California right now, downtown,” and, best of all, that the public libraries are “like Sodom and Gomorrah,” filled with “sex, drugs, and rock and roll.”
“Only Californian librarians would put up with that,” Carlson says, stuffing down the incredulous sense of wonder that makes him such a reliable reporter and plowing forward with the discussion. A moment more and we can picture Carlson fainting outright at this vision of the hedonists running wild through book stacks, snorting and banging and shredding guitars. Would Fabio catch his body if he swooned too deep—cradle it in his powerful arms?
No, the model and actor and whatever else is on the news not to show off his impressive physique but to very reasonably articulate his critique of Californian politics. After all, he’s the nation’s leading authority on the subject, not some bonehead celebrity who should just keep their mouth shut about stuff they don’t fully understand.
This isn’t the first time Fabio and the Tuckster have teamed up to enlighten the world, and we can only hope it will soon be a recurring segment. Make the partnership official, Fox News: give us a weekly Fucker’s Guide To Politics so we can all make sense of the chaos that surrounds us. It’s our only hope of learning how to fix America’s most pressing issues.
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