The brands are at it again, folks, more or less spoiling the most fun part of any Super Bowl—the ads—by releasing them early online. Of course, several of the big players are bypassing ads entirely, allaying themselves the fear of going viral for the wrong reasons by pumping their spending into COVID-19 relief. That, of course, leaves plenty of room for the more daring companies among us, many of whom have already begun teasing their big ads. Below, you’ll find the likes of Michael B. Jordan, Lil Nas X, Dolly Parton, John Cena, and Marshawn Lynch, among many others, elevating some truly dire scenarios.
Let’s have a look at some of the most notable ones below.
Who’s in it: Michael B. Jordan
What is he doing: Playing a hot version of Alexa for a woman in an unhappy marriage.
Who’s in it: Nobody famous, but it was directed by David Fincher and scored by Atticus Ross.
What are they doing: Reminding people what it was like to get a beer with friends without it being a risk to your life.
Who’s in it: Post Malone and Cedric the Entertainer
Who’s in it: Nobody you’d know, probably
What are they doing: Reimagining the pandemic as an apocalyptic storm of lemons because when life gives you lemons...
Who’s in it: Timothée Chalemet
What is he doing: Riffing on the role made famous by his ex-girlfriend’s dad.
Who’s in it: Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis
What are they doing: Ashton is mad that Mila keeps eating the Cheetos, but after taking the advice of Shaggy, who lives in their house, she chooses to deny having eaten them, despite her obvious Cheetos fingers. Shaggy does a snack-themed verse of his 2000 hit single “It Wasn’t Me.” Lesser version of Doritos’ M.C. Hammer commercial from last year. 2 stars out of five, all of which go to Shaggy.
Who’s in it: Daveed Diggs, the Sesame Street crew
What are they doing: Remixing “People In Your Neighborhood” for people who order food online.
Who’s in it: Matthew McConaughey
What is he doing: Realizing that the only cure for his affliction—being flat like a piece of parchment paper—is Doritos 3D, the likes of which he steals by snaking through a vending machine’s snack dispenser. Celebrities, always thinking they don’t have to pay for shit.
Who’s in it: Marshawn Lynch, Deion Sanders, Jerry Rice, Terry Bradshaw, Jerome Bettis, Troy Aikman, and Eli and Payton Manning
What are they doing: Performing a Super Bowl-themed riff on “The Night Before Christmas” that’s centered around various kinds of chips. Now will you buy some Tostitos?
Who’s in it: Will Ferrell, Kenan Thompson, and Awkwafina
What are they doing: Traveling to Norway to tell the country’s car manufacturers than GM plans on manufacturing more electric cars.
Who’s in it: Bruce Springsteen
What is he doing: Gettin’ paid.
Who’s in it: Brad Garrett
What is he doing: Playing a sandwich-themed mobster named Tony Bolognavich, the “king of cold cuts.”
Who’s in it?: Lil Nas X
What is he doing: Encouraging us to “create the future by defying the logic of the past.” Considering the guy got famous on TikTok with a country-rap song, that actually means something when he says it.
Who’s in it: Peyton Manning and Serena Williams
What are they doing: Having fun and drinking beer in their million-dollar homes as a narrator babbles some drivel about being happy.
Who’s in it: Don Cheadle
What is he doing: Being the only real celebrity in a commercial filled with celebrity lookalikes.
Who’s in it: Dan Levy
What is he doing: Revealing himself to be a homicidal psychopath
Who’s in it: John Cena and a barking watermelon dog
What are they doing: Teasing a watermelon-flavored Mountain Dew, as well as a contest in which the first egghead to count every bottle of this neon swill in its actual Super Bowl commercial will win a million bucks. Check out that actual commercial below.
Who’s in it: Oatly CEO Toni Petersson
What is he doing: Singing a song about non-dairy milk in a field, thinking about all that money he took from Blackstone.
Who’s in it: Saquon Barkley, JuJu Smith-Schuster, Jalen Hurts, Devin White, Kendrick Bourne, Austin Jackson, American Ninja Warrior’s Angela Gargano, and...SpongeBob
What are they doing: Making an “ugly face” while they work out. (Editor’s note: Everyone is beautiful.)
Who’s in it: Some astronauts who have just returned from space
What are they doing: Slowly dying of thirst, hunger, and exposure because the suits at NASA are too busy “stacking Pringles.”
Who’s in it: Reddit, albeit for a brief five seconds
What is it doing: Celebrating how “underdogs can accomplish just about anything when they come together around a common idea.”
Who’s in it: Tracy Morgan
What is he doing: Picking a fight with Dave Bautista
Who’s in it: John Travolta, Carl Weathers, Martha Stewart, and Leslie David Baker
What are they doing: Grillin’. Makin’ TikToks. Flexin’ their green thumbs.
Who’s in it: Dolly Parton
What is she doing: Singing a hideous new version of “9 to 5" called “5 to 9" that tries to make the concept of 12-hour work days sound fun. Fuck right the hell off.
Who’s in it: Drake, Paul Rudd, Aaron Rodgers
What are they doing: Not sure, honestly.
Who’s in it: Lenny Kravitz
What’s he doing: Telling us to make the most of our lives while shilling for beer.
Who’s in it: Jason Alexander
What is he doing: Getting doused in gunk and ass smell as a hoodie, dubbed “Jason Alexander hoodie” by a teen’s weary mother. We hate to give one to The Brands, but this one is funny. Kudos to its use of Joey Scarbury’s “Believe It Or Not,” a reference to a particularly inspired Seinfeld bit.
Who’s in it: Mike Myers and Dana Carvey reprising their roles as Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar
What are they doing: Ruining our childhood.