Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Are all the women on The Bachelor too good for the bachelor?

Screenshot: ABC
Screenshot: ABC

Because The A.V. Club knows that TV shows keep going even if we’re not writing at length about them, we’re experimenting with discussion posts. For certain shows, one of our TV writers will publish some brief thoughts about the latest episode, and open the comments for readers to share theirs.

  • Good news: The Bachelorette has cast its first bachelorette of color! With the news hot on the presses earlier today, I assumed Rachel Lindsay would be “saying goodbye” this episode—why else make the announcement? But Nick sends Danielle and Kristina home, leaving us to ponder ABC’s fathomless publicity strategies.
  • But nothing could distract from the amount of tears shed by Bachelor Nick this episode. Maybe the years-long dedication to the “process” of The Bachelor franchise has worn his defenses down to the quick, because it takes nothing at all to set Nick off into great moping or great crying.
  • While Vanessa is on her date in a new tropical paradise that looks just like the old tropical paradise, Corinne and Rachel chat on the couch about Vanessa getting a one-on-one. I can only assume the producers force these unnatural pairings on the contestants. Corinne might be oblivious to the effect she has on the people around her, but it’s hard to imagine Rachel would naturally gravitate to the couch for some gabbing with Corinne. But it’s worth it for Corinne to somehow disparage Vanessa’s profession of special-needs teacher. “Pretty pretty perfect,” Corinne calls Vanessa.
  • Nick’s response after Vanessa says she’s falling in love with him highlights the kind of verbal backflips it takes to successfully string along so many women (or men) at once. Last season’s Ben handled this sort of thing much more eloquently, focusing on the feelings he did feel in these situations instead of what he couldn’t say. I have no doubt Nick is honest and heartfelt with his response to Venessa, but it lacked tact.
  • Sunscreen becomes an unlikely medium for Nick to show more lack of tact, as he gets really touchy with Kristina in front of Corinne and Raven. His weird touching is more interesting than the faux-shark set piece.
  • Later that day, Nick cries and Kristina just sort of looks on. She is too good for him. Raven tells Nick about her father’s cancer diagnosis and why she moved back home, and Nick’s eyes glaze over. Nick may be confused but one thing is clear: Vanessa, Rachel, Kristina, and Raven are all too good for Nick. I haven’t seen as much Danielle but I’d guess she’s also too good for him. Nothing against Nick—he’s fine—but the caliber of (most of the) women here just exceeds his.
  • Another acoustic artist performs thanks to the magic of corporate synergy.
  • “You’re fun to have fun with.” That’s like defining a word in the dictionary by using the same word. Danielle seems too chill for this whole scenario, like she knows she should make a more dramatic character than she does but can’t quite bring herself to give more of a fuck. She’s not a strong personality, which isn’t great for the show but, you know, in the rest of the world probably just translates to being more grounded than dramatic.
  • And finally, the Corinne moment we’ve all been waiting for: The platinum vajeen. “I know how to turn on the sex charm.” “I know how to make a man feel good.” “My heart is gold, but my vajeen is platinum.” With that in mind, Corinne attempts to fuck Nick but he refuses. “Very tempting,” he says, “But always best to wait in these instances. Don’t feel bad.” Side note: Correct spelling? I obviously went for “vajeen” but I’m open to arguments for other spellings.
  • There is a script for getting dumped on The Bachelor. The contestant is meekly accepting of the bachelor’s decision, allowing him to “walk her out.” They still hold hands for this walking-out, which is odd. She says something like “I hope you find what you’re looking for” or “Best of luck to you”—there are several options to choose from—and the bachelor looks wistfully at her departing SUV. Kristina does not stick to the script, and I love her for it. “You didn’t give me a fair chance,” she says, dry-eyed, while Nick is, as usual, blubbering. Nick has lately been deploying a sneaky reverse-psychology where he acts the victim for doing the dumping, tricking the woman into comforting him. This tactic does not work on Kristina. May god give all the souls being dumped her steeliness.
  • The best stinger of all Bachelordom is Raven and Kristina stacking cheese cubs on Corinne’s sleeping head.