Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Celebrity Rehab: Bye Bye Baldwin

Illustration for article titled Celebrity Rehab: Bye Bye Baldwin
Illustration for article titled Celebrity Rehab: Bye Bye Baldwin

Tonight's episode of Celebrity Rehab taught viewers about boobies, and the ways that some of the patients feel about them. Jeff Conaway, for instance, very much likes boobies. When he's around them, he seems more lucid, happy, and interested in living. A yoga teacher perks his mood, and then when porn star Mary Carey brings a friend to a rehab barbecue, he gets even more excited. Without missing a beat, and in all seriousness, he says, "Do you do threesomes?" If there's one thing that can keep Jeff off the drugs, it's probably boobies. He can't think about both at once.

Daniel Baldwin, who is an unmitigated tool, has mixed feelings about boobies. He might like them too much, and that led to what may have been the first really exciting moment of this whole series. But first, the lead-up: Baldwin thought of 95 reasons he should get a day pass, all of which made him look like an angel. The most complicated one: He had to go to an intervention and help another addict. (Elsewhere in the show, he basically said that he's not on Celeb Rehab for treatment, but rather to share his story so that it might help others. Barf.)

Anyway, he wants to leave, but he doesn't want to look like the unflagging fuckass that he is, so he takes advantage of the fact that there are–wait for it–boobies on display at the barbecue to beat his hasty retreat. This situation, he says, is not good for his sobriety. He calls his wife and tells her about the boobies. She gets mad, because she doesn't want him around boobies that aren't hers. He uses this as an excuse to check himself out. But that's not the fun part–the fun part is the tease for next week.

Turns out Daniel's love of boobies has had him texting photos (graphic? It's never really stated) of himself to Mary, and asking her for (surely graphic) pictures in return. The genius producers of Celebrity Rehab made that fact this week's cliffhanger, so dammit, they've got me for another week. (Okay, I'm watching no matter what.)

Elsewhere in the show, people talk about childhood abuses. Chyna peed her pants after being locked in the basement. Jeff was tortured at age 3 and then was (he thinks) the star of child porn (via the Catholic church, no less!) at age 7. Daniel was attacked by a giant pair of boobies, which scarred him for life. (I made that last one up, but it might be true.)

So what a setup for next week! After trying so hard to look like a great guy to Jessica, Daniel may have been secretly trying to bang the porn star. Man, this is what rehab is all about!

Grade: B+

Stray Observations:

— Quoth Shifty Shellshock: "We got girls here with huge boobs, what do you think is gonna happen?"

— Again, Mary proves the depth of her simplicity: After hearing Jeff's horror story of childhood sexual abuse, she says, "That story, for some reason, made me really upset." For some reason? I wonder what that reason might be.