@DadBoner responds to the New York Times on Guy Fieri’s behalf 

Twitter has no dearth of parody, from celebrity imposters to one-joke accounts, but few, if any, create an elaborate world like that of @DadBoner. That’s “Karl Welzein,” a man from Grand Blanc, Michigan, who lives for the weekend and champions the “bad boy lifestyle” of drinking, bold flavors, and carnal passions.

To the rest of the world, he’s an unemployable alcoholic with serious delusions of grandeur, which makes his tweets all the more hilarious. But what sets @DadBoner apart is the world it creates with its Michigan setting and cast of characters, such as Karl’s ne’er-do-well roommate, Dave; their unhinged friend Crazy Cooter; Karl’s disapproving ex-wife, Ann; and his judgmental former co-worker, Nosey Lady.

People who follow @DadBoner know Welzein is a huge fan of Guy Fieri, so much so that he wrote Road House 2: Pain Still Don’t Hurt—via several posts on the Flint, Michigan Craigslist—as a starring vehicle for the TV chef. When The New York Times published Pete Wells’ excoriating review of Fieri’s new Times Square restaurant, Welzein fans wondered how, and whether, he’d respond.

Today he did, via Craigslist Flint, to answer Wells’ questions. Although his entire response can easily summed up with his line “Man, you’re just makin’ word crap outta your backdoor again,” here are some highlights:

When you saw the burger described as “Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche,” did your mind touch the void for a minute?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Bet it did. ’Cause that hamburg sounds off the chain with bold flavors and primo satisfaction. Guy probably went bonkers.

Were you struck by how very far from awesome the Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders are?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Oh, so sorry it wasn’t up to your pretty princess standards. Bet your palate ain’t used to eatin’ nothin’ that don’t come served with a side of pink panties.

Why is one of the few things on your menu that can be eaten without fear or regret—a lunch-only sandwich of chopped soy-glazed pork with coleslaw and cucumbers—called a Roasted Pork Bahn Mi, when it resembles that item about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Emily Dickinson? Whoa, look at Mr. Writer of the Year tryin’ to showboat to the ladies with some sensitive seduction. No one’s impressed. No one cares.

Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Sounds like you can’t handle a REAL drink, bad boy style. Just stick to diet root beer and go sit at the kids’ table if you’re gonna complain, young man. All the grown ups are just fine with the Dubmelon ‘Rita, thank you very much.

And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?

ANSWER ON BEHALF OF GUY FROM HIS MAIN MAN KARL WELZEIN: Is this some sorta joke about donkey peeners?

There’s also a tangent about the dissolution of his marriage (via attacking Wells for playing “women’s mind games”) and a quick request for any job leads in the “grub biz.”

In short, it’s exactly what Karl Welzein fans want. Time to grab a Crave Case and some BL ’Nums and blast Whitesnake’s “Still Of The Night.” Just make sure to pause respectfully at the 3:57 mark.