Google Glass is dead, long live Google Glass

By Sam Barsanti | January 17, 2015 | 7:35pm

Aux Features Aux

In what seems to be a significant victory for the forces of humanity—even though it’s just temporarily delaying the inevitable cyborg apocalypse—Google has announced that it will no longer be selling the Google Glass wearable computer eye thing in its current form. This comes from The BBC, which reports that Google’s Explorer Program, which allowed anyone to buy a Glass and develop software for it, will close. The team that developed the Glass, however, is reportedly being moved out of Google’s “research whatever sci-fi crap you can” division and given its own separate branch to take what they learned from the Glass and use it to develop new sci-fi crap—like, presumably, a new version of Google Glass.

Either way, though, the Glass that people have now—the one that you can’t wear in movie theaters or watch porn with—is effectively dead. Hopefully, Google’s team is hard at work on a new device that we can watch porn with, since there are obviously not enough things that can do that as it is. Also, in an official statement, the planet’s future cyborg masters referred to Google’s announcement as “pitiful,” adding that “the human race cannot hope to alter the future, and every second that it attempts to do so will mean another lifetime of working in the cyborg army’s microchip mines.” The A.V. Club, for one, welcomes our new cyborg overlords.