Jimmy Fallon is living in a Final Destination movie

By Sam Barsanti  |  October 25, 2015 | 10:19pm
Aux Features TV

The Final Destination movies all follow the same structure: Some young people of varying degrees of youngness are hangin’, talkin’ about young people stuff, and about to go somewhere or do something. Then one of them has a premonition that something bad will happen, and that person saves a bunch of their friends from certain death just before the bad thing (plane crash, 3D roller coaster explosion, etc.) actually happens. Shortly after that, though, the survivors get killed one-by-one in increasingly gruesome and inexplicable “accidents.” At that point, Tony Todd shows up and explains that the survivors have cheated Death, and they’ll all be killed until Death’s “plan” is restored. As far as we know, it is never explained how or why Tony Todd knows this, so we assume he’s just a spooky dude who knows spooky stuff in general.

Anyway, we have come to the conclusion that popular TV host Jimmy Fallon has fallen under one of these Final Destination curses, and we think the evidence to back this up is, frankly, staggering. We don’t know what the terrible accident was that he had a premonition about, but it’s very obvious that some kind of supernatural force is trying very hard to take his life. It all started back in July, when Fallon’s wedding ring got caught on something after he tripped on a rug and nearly ripped his finger off. Then, just yesterday, Fallon was in Massachusetts accepting an award from The Harvard Lampoon and he suffered another hand injury. According to People, he was walking down the street with a bottle of Jaegermeister when “some random girl kneeled down in front of him abruptly,” causing him to—once again—trip. Fearing that Death had finally bagged its quarry, Fallon was rushed to the hospital in a limo (because he’s got “fuck you money” now).

Fallon was photographed alive that night with both of his hands bandaged. He had survived once again, but at what cost? With both of his hands compromised, what chance did he have to survive the next attempt on his life? A pretty good chance, apparently, because Fallon posted an Instagram this morning saying that his injury was “nothing that a few band-aids couldn’t fix.”

Obviously, though, this cannot end until Fallon is dead…unless Tony Todd can step in with some kind of bizarre way for Fallon to make up the debt he owes to Death. Maybe he has to start injuring other people’s hands? Maybe he should just start whacking off the hands of Tonight Show guests? Would that even work? Only Tony Todd knows, and we should all probably ask him.

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