Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Kid Rock, MTV Will Make You Want To Join The Military

As many among us have been unfortunate enough to discover, when you get to the movie theater early, sometimes you are rewarded for your punctuality with a lengthy bit of National Guard recruitment propaganda set to the sing-screaming of Kid Rock. Apparently, if you join the National Guard, you'll get to uncover mysterious crates full of guns, gently toss a soccer ball at a thankful Arab child, march in parades, and save people from fires. Oh, also, you might be able to become a NASCAR star. Unfortunately though you'll never have another moment of silence in your life, since Kid Rock will be shouting "Warrior!" in your helmeted head at all times, but all in all it looks like a pretty good deal:

Kid Rock isn't known for his lyrics (FYI: He's known for being the skinniest man with a proud paunch in music, also for ripping off both Warren Zevon and Lynyrd Skynyrd in the same song), but "Freedom ain't so free when you breathe red white and blue"? That doesn't make any sense. Well, unless he's talking about smothering people with the American flag–then, yeah, the freedom [to breathe] ain't so free. But I don't understand why literal suffocation by patriotism would want to make anyone join the National Guard.

Still, Kid Rock's droning, dark music video with nonsensical lyrics and superfluous NASCAR is much more persuasive than another Armed Forces ad strategy: U.S. Army "product placement" in MTV's Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Island.

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The professional reality competition contestants (grown to full brahhood in MTV's very own reality jacuzzi/petri dish) on Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Island have to make do on their "deserted" island with rice, fish, and an unlimited supply of booze given to them by the producers. Fueled by this diet, they go out and drunkenly scream at the rainforest, vomit on pristine beaches, and compete for $300,000.

Each week, they also receive a food and supplies airdrop emblazoned with "U.S. Army. Army Strong." delivered via US Army helicopter. So, the implication here is that if you join the army, one day maybe you will be lucky enough to be selected to airdrop food to a beach full of whiny, drunk, idiotic brahs and brahlettes created by MTV? Right. A free "Army Strong" frisbee would be a better incentive. Where is that recruitment office again?