Let Gwyneth Paltrow tidy up your colon

By Sean O'Neal | January 5, 2012 | 10:40pm

Aux Features Film

After weeks of holiday excess, no doubt your colon is in dreadful shape, all impacted and cluttered and unfit for polite company. Thankfully there is no reason why your lower intestinal tract should not enjoy the same simple, ridiculously expensive luxuries that Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP lifestyle program regularly recommends for all her darling, mewling urchins, who would otherwise flail about helplessly in their discarded Cheez-It box mountains, blinded by the rainbow chip frosting streaks clotting their eyes. Especially not in this, the Newest Of Years, and especially not when Paltrow has finally taken GOOP at its most literal meaning by packaging her $425 “GOOP Cleanse” (cheekily listed under GOOP's "Make" directory) which will, according to GOOP-endorsed physician Dr. Alejandro Junger M.D., “give your digestive system a break” from all that digestion it was designed to do, and allow your stomach to relax and maybe concentrate on something more productive, such as learning to give you Shiatsu massage from the inside.

For that price, you get several delightfully tiny jars full of protein and fiber powder, a “probiotic anti-microbial,” “herbal anti-microbial” and “strong probiotic,” and doses of insulin regulator, digestive enzymes, and “liver support,” all of which will combine to keep your loose assemblage of sloppy organs and Beef Jerky odds-and-ends from totally collapsing while Paltrow’s powder GOOPs the goop right out of you. And when it’s all over, you’ll be left with a clean, sparkling colon that meets with Gwyneth Paltrow’s approval, so long as you continue to insist on having one. Perhaps next year you may see your way to finally upgrading to a shaft of infinite shimmering light. [via New York Observer]