The New York Times reported earlier today that a Coast Guard helicopter crew recently rescued a stranded, injured man in the Alaskan wilderness after he spent several days fending off multiple attacks from a nearby grizzly bear while huddling within a small miner’s shack.
“En route to a mission on Friday, the crew of a Coast Guard helicopter saw the man waving both hands in the air, a widely recognized distress signal, the helicopter’s pilot said. On the tin roof of a shack, SOS and ‘help me’ had been scrawled. The shack’s door had been ripped off,” reads the NYT piece. The article should probably have included a “SPOILER ALERT” warning at the top so as not to ruin the finale of the inevitable film adaptation we’ll be seeing in—oh, let’s see here—about 2-to-3 years, tops. 4, if Tom Hardy is busy making yet another Venom movie.
“At some point, a bear had dragged him down to the river,” said one of the helicopter pilots, Lt. Cmdr. Jared Carbajal, because of course that happened. Honestly, it’s like we’ve already watched the as-of-yet unadapted story almost assuredly directed by... give us a second, hmm... what’s Denis Villeneuve got on his plate after Dune?
By the time rescuers arrived, the man only had 2 rounds of ammunition left, a detail a Coast Guard spokesperson made sure to also note, because that’s the kind of intense, dramatic detail this impossible-to-avoid, nearly 3-hour adaptation will totally include—probably as some kind of recurring metaphorical device.
Amazingly, the Coast Guard unit only stumbled across the anonymous mountain man 40-miles outside Nome after rerouting their intended path due to cloud coverage. But you probably already guessed that, because that’s how these movies work.
In the end, the helicopter transported the man to a hospital in Nome, where he was treated for his non-life-threatening injuries—although they’ll probably be made to look a lot more serious than they actually were in the upcoming “Best Costume Award” Oscar nomination. That said, they’re definitely gonna include the fact that “the man insisted on walking himself to a waiting ambulance” after exiting the helicopter.” That’s gonna look super badass at the end.
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