With everyone reeling from the ongoing attacks on our civil rights and revelations about how shitty Hollywood is, it’s important to take time to celebrate what good there is in the world. Yesterday, some brave soul at Twitter made our dreams come true and temporarily scrubbed Trump’s existence from the platform. Unfortunately, our respite from the inner workings of the dotard in chief’s mind only lasted 11 minutes, after which he resumed tweeting about his “JOBS, JOBS, JOBS” program or something.
But take heart, because a deal has been struck in the land of the Fast And Furious. Yes, word has reached us that former adversaries turned teammates turned candy asses Tyrese Gibson, Dwayne Johnson, and Vin Diesel have settled their hash. Gibson has backed off his threats to quit the franchise if Johnson moved forward with his Hobbes spin-off, which is a nice thought, except that The Rock hardly acknowledged the animosity in the first place. And with Justin Lin back in the fold, Fast 9 can finally shift out of park.
We can picture the modern-day Yalta conference now: each bald-pated action star arriving in a vehicle louder and more environmentally harmful than the last, ready to sign an agreement that would make the Swedish Academy regret having already awarded this year’s peace prize to the International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons. For more on that, let’s go to Tyrese Gibson’s Instagram account, which has served as the primary battlefield in this cold war.
Huh. So, it looks like there was no big meeting between Diesel, Gibson, and Johnson. The photo Gibson posted looks like it’s from a previous red carpet event, one where the three lugs could barely bring themselves to smile while in each other’s company. In fact, Diesel, who’s been driving the franchise since the beginning, doesn’t appear to have been consulted at all about Gibson’s ultimatum, which will probably be cited in future business school classes as a cautionary tale. Even Johnson only communicated with Gibson through a third party or “associate.” But still, as Gibson points out, this was a “respected” individual, and they seemed to have smoothed things over regardless of where the Rock was at the time. So we can still count this as a win for humanity, we think.