Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Rock of Love: Episode 5

Image for article titled Rock of Love: Episode 5
Image for article titled Rock of Love: Episode 5

Do you watch Rock Of Love for the queasily compelling catfights between bipolar nymphomaniac STD-carriers? Of course not! You watch for the football! Two segments and nearly 20 minutes (!) of tonight's episode were devoted to the annual mud bowl game, which used to be about satisfying Bret's Viagra-fueled libido and now seems to be taken almost seriously as an honest-to-God sporting event. Next year I fully expect it to drag on for five hours and feature Up With People at halftime. Until then all we have is our weekly little cele-boring reality programming fix, which this week offered up another ham-fisted Twist Ending! to justify the non-action action of the previous 42 or so minutes. And it failed. Badly. Again.


Here was the set-up: It appeared that Bret, whose uncommonly smooth features and sunshine-colored follicles have inspired countless women to perform poorly-executed fly patterns in the mud, was about to send Daisy home instead of Eddie Money impersonator Peyton. A few minutes earlier Peyton's goose had looked mighty cooked when she asked Bret if he was attracted to her, and Bret just sat there awkwardly and mumbled something about connecting as bros instead of bro-to-ho. If I were Bret, I'd like to think I'd be a bigger man in that situation. Here's what I'd say: "No, Peyton, I'm not attracted to you. But don't take that personally. I want to bone Daisy, so I obviously have no taste. But let's be honest: Are you attracted to me?" Because unless Bret is actually a 40something gym teacher and Indigo Girls enthusiast and a not an aging cock rocker, he doesn't strike me as Peyton's "type." Instead, Bret kept Peyton in the closet and Daisy on the show, promising to drop two contestants next week in exchange for not cutting anyone this time.

Not to question the judgment of a guy who once videotaped himself having sex with Pamela Anderson, but Bret did himself no favors by breaking his own rules and not pruning his under-performing cast down a bit. Forget your stupid "divine nine." Here's all you need: Daisy, Peyton, Ambre, the "little Ukrainian love bus" Inna, and Kristy Joe. In fact, keep just Kristy Joe and cut the rest, including yourself. Let's make Rock Of Love about an over-emotional basket case with restraining orders against her ex-husband and soon-to-be second ex-husband. The title: Rocks Of Love. Who's with me?

Grade: C-

Stray observations

—Daisy was awarded MVP of mud bowl–Ambre was robbed, an injustice I hear Arlen Specter is already investigating

–Bret says Daisy is "sexy, knows music, plays bass, tough, and cool." I'm tempted to say Bret is 0-for-5 in the "describing things accurately" department, but I have not yet had the pleasure of hearing Daisy go Jack Bruce on a bass guitar. Next week, perhaps?