Due to popular demand and the fact that we love trying weird foods and candies, The A.V. Club will now regularly feature "Taste Tests." Feel free to suggest disgusting and/or delicious new edibles for future installments: E-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix Fizzy Lowfat Yogurt Snack
Taste Tests here at A.V. Labs generally fall into two categories, both of which inspire complaints from our readers. If we eat something that's prima facie disgusting (to use the legal definition), like crickets or imported cheeseburgers in a can, we're accused of not having open minds going into the Taste Test. If we taste something that's obviously going to be delicious in some way—like banana Oreos or new Cold Stone Creamery flavors—then we're shirking our responsibility to eat something that the average Joe or Jane would never try. And to be honest, we're rarely terribly surprised: Things that look horrible—like cheeseburger-flavored Combos—tend to bear out that horribleness in their flavors. We are guilty of pre-judging food by its packaging. (And ingredients. And smell.)
But we're capable of reason, too, in the face of cold, delicious facts. I asked this question of an entire office: "Hey, who wants to try some carbonated yogurt in a tube? It comes in extreme flavors!" Pretty much every single Taster made a face that could only be translated as "Ewwww." But they still gathered around to sample various flavors of Fizzix Fizzy Lowfat Yogurt Snack (a sub-brand of Go-Gurt, itself a sub-brand of Yoplait, a Cinco corporation). Can you blame them for being suspicious? What's the point of carbonating yogurt? (Answer: Kids think it's neat. They also like Yoplait's Trix-enhanced yogurt.)
The taste: But then, a strange thing happened. The gathered hordes began sucking the goop from plastic tubes—adorned with extreme artwork, like a big, scary cartoon mouth—and delighting in its taste. Everyone, to one degree or another, admitted that they enjoyed Fizzix, which we sampled in four flavors: Triple Berry Fusion, Fruit Punch Charge, Strawberry Watermelon Rush, and Blue Raspberry Rage. (It's fucking raging! That yogurt is raging!) Well duh. We should have known. It's yogurt, packed with lovely sugar and high-fructose corn syrup—10 grams of sugar in each tube. (A can of Coke has 39, so ounce-for-ounce, these yogurts have almost twice as much sugar as a Coke.)
What about the fizzing, you ask? It fizzed! It bubbled a little bit in our mouths, like slightly flat soda. It wasn't terribly strong, but kids might get a charge out of it. We froze a few—the box sort of suggests that you can—and that pretty much eliminated the fizzing, but it was still tasty. Carbonated yogurt, you have surprised and delighted us, and though none of us will probably ever buy you again, we will have fond memories of a Taste Test that proved our instincts wrong.
Oh, also, some funny notes on the packaging: "Do not thaw and refreeze." "Consume within 7 days of sell-by date, even if frozen." "Tubes expand at room temperature." (Whoa, we have to try that one out.) Lastly, "Kids under 5 years may have difficulty swallowing frozen FIZZIX lowfat yogurt snack. Please be sure to thaw before serving."
— "This is what killed Mikey!"
— "It's like a melted popsicle with Pop Rocks embedded in it."
— "It's like a venereal disease in my mouth."
— "It's buzzy. Yeah! It's buzzy!"
— "It's like the yogurt equivalent of the KFC bowl, for lazy people."
— "Goes down like slightly fizzy yogurt, but the burps have a soda kinda feel to them. It's odd to have that slight carbonation burn from something creamy."
— "This is pretty good—way better than I expected. But if you dump 10 grams of sugar and carbonation in anything, it'll probably be palatable."
— [Blue Raspberry Rage] "I should've stopped at the Triple Berry. This tastes more like generic yogurt; the fizziness is definitely less pronounced than the Triple Berry."
— "I think I'm going to regret having two of these in a row in such a short period of time. In fact, I already am."
— "The carbonation isn't really that noticeable, and it's hardly 'extreme.' I don't even know if I'd notice it if wasn't marketed as such."
— "If this doesn't get kids eating yogurt, nothing will."
— "The label frightened me a bit, what with all the exploding intestines displayed on it. The actual blue-raspberry flavor was tolerable as an exit flavor, but the bitter 'fizzy' foretaste was merely off-putting. Overall, I am leery about the combination of dairy and Pop Rocks, probably for good reason."
— "Sweet for yogurt, somewhere between Kool Aid fruit punch and a popsicle. Kids like food that reminds them of other food."
— "Very small bubbles on the tongue are unusual at first but makes me want to try more. It's strange to discover carbonation in a viscous goo. Kind of how I imagine Edge shaving gel works."
— "The slight sourness of the milk cultures and the carbonation left a beer aftertaste for me."
— "The graphic imagery on the yogurt tube is definitely disturbing. I think Gene Simmons' tongue served as a model for this design."
Where to get it: Grocery stores.