The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story (Lifetime, 9 p.m.): How naïve we were. Here we thought Labor Day might be a dead zone for television, but as it turns out, there is an abundance of shows and scraps resembling shows vying for your attention on a day tailor-made for getting away from your cubicle, possibly even for the great outdoors. But for our money, Lifetime is making the best case for staying firmly planted to your couch, and that is The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story. Even just saying it brings a sadistic light to our eyes. Please don’t get us wrong; nothing about this Lifetime original telefilm looks good or decent. Not even an overwrought recreation of the already overwrought “I’m so excited I’m so scared!” moment will change our minds on this one because, well, just look at that promotional picture above, please. But it will be entertaining (again - look at that promotional picture), and the one and only Pilot Viruet will be sharing her thoughts, so watch this space, ya nerds.
Houdini (History, 8 p.m.): All that said, The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story was very nearly nudged out of Top Pick contention by The History Channel’s Houdini (or as we refer to it, Adrien Brody Is: Houdini). The new miniseries is a “two-night event,” featuring sumptuous costumes, gorgeous cinematography, and did we mention Adrien Brody as Harry Houdini? Over in our Reviews section, Genevieve Valentine tells us why she thinks the miniseries is more heavy-handed than its storied subject.
The Simpsons (FXX, all day): And the end is finally nigh for FXX’s series-long Simpsons marathon. It’d be a sad moment indeed, if it weren’t for the fact that FXX recently announced that the massive success of the marathon means the channel will run at least twenty-four hours of Simpsons a week from now on. So hey, everything is coming up Simpsons (unless they run the later seasons, are we right?)!
Under The Dome (CBS, 10 p.m.)
Teen Wolf (MTV, 10 p.m.)
The A.V. Club decided to take Labor Day literally with an inventory of weird births in film and television. It’s one of the more diverse Inventories in recent memory, and is definitely the most disturbing. (You can guess how gross the main picture is, and if not, we don’t know how to help you.)
The Knick (HBO, 8 p.m.): Yes, you read that correctly. HBO will be airing the first three episodes of Soderbergh’s Cinemax series, in case there are people who pay for HBO but not Cinemax, or something. (We don’t have cable at all, so all of this is irrelevant to us and we are therefore uninterested.)
18 Kids And Counting (TLC, 1 a.m. onwards): Yes, you read that correctly. TLC will be airing 18 Kids And Counting starting at one in the morning, in case there are people who were still interested in procreating.
Rizzoli and Isles (TNT, 11 a.m. onwards): Maybe it’ll seem less gay all at once! (No, it won’t.) (This is not a bad thing.)
NCIS (USA, 6 a.m. onwards)
Star Trek Movie Marathon (SyFy, 8:30 a.m. onwards)
Dirty Jobs (Animal Planet, 9 a.m.)
Tosh.0 (Comedy Central, 10 a.m.)
Rambo Movie Marathon (AMC, 12:30 p.m. onwards)
Mike and Molly (FX, 12 p.m. onwards)
Friends (TBS, 4 p.m. onwards)
Hasselhoff Vs. The Berlin Wall (National Geographic, 10 p.m.): Much has been said and about the fall of the Berlin Wall, and yet so very little has come from Baywatch and Knight Rider alum David Hasselhoff. Thankfully, National Geographic commissioned a documentary to right that wrong, and so tonight we will hear from the Hoff himself on his personal experience with this historic event. Before you scoff, let us remind you that he is huge in Germany, and more importantly, that this has given us an opportunity to post this pop culture zenith (an opportunity we will always seize):
America’s Next Top Model (CW, 9 p.m.): “The Girl Who’s A Player”
Keeping Up With The Kardashians (E!, 9 p.m.): “Ninth Season Finale (Special Night)”
#RichKids Of Beverly Hills (E!, 10 p.m.): “#BabyWhisperer (Special Night)”
Anger Management (FX, 10/10:30 p.m.): “Charlie And The Temper Of Doom”/”Charlie Gets Trashed”
Highway To Sell (Discovery, 10 p.m.): Tune in to this series premiere to see how “every guy’s ultimate four-wheel fantasy becomes his worst nightmare when he is forced to choose between the cash he desperately needs and the classic ride he always knew his clunker could become.”
In related news, we give up.
Masters Of Sex: There wasn’t much new television on the Sunday of Labor Day weekend, but Masters Of Sex scoffs in the face of tradition, so check out Gwen Inhat’s latest review, won’t you?