Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

America's Next Top Model: "Top Model Makeovers"

Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "Top Model Makeovers"
Illustration for article titled America's Next Top Model: "Top Model Makeovers"

Wal-Mart and several Cover Girl products at dawn, the East River and cheesy lingerie at dusk: Tyra really is making use of all that New York City has to offer, right? Maybe next episode the Fab Cab can take the girls to the Mall At Short Hills in New Jersey for a "put an outfit together" challenge at Express, and then follow it up with a scuba-gear photo shoot in the Holland Tunnel.

More importantly, though, since this was the makeover episode, Tyra was making use of many many hair extensions and unnecessary color changes—dutifully following the unspoken ANTM rule: if it ain't broke, fix it aggressively until it breaks: Whitney went from strikingly dark hair to a sub-Lohan blonde weave, Dominique's butch lioness blonde mane became a generic soccer mom brunette bob, Amis's post-makeover hair looked less like hair and more like a bunch of rags sewn to her head, both Allison and Aimee resembled bright brassy pennies (a look every girl craves), Stacy-Ann (despite her prayer at the poster of Tyra) was transformed into a near-bald street urchin, and Anya finally realized her dream of having white hair before the age of 70. Only Claire (aka Legend Of Billy Jean), Fatima, Lauren and Mail Order Bride escaped relatively unscathed.

We, the viewers, were not quite as lucky as those four, however, since we had to sit through interminable, squeaky-voiced clips of "Tyra-Vision" during the entire makeover segment. Apparently, this is how fashion works. As Tyra was quick to remind the girls: "You sit in the chair and you don't know what's going to happen. You don't have some supermodel stand in front of you and tell you how you're going to look." You do, however, have some crazy ex-supermodel talk about your makeover inside a tiny television on the bottom of the screen. That, my friends, is what "realism" means to Tyra.

Then it was on to the lingerie boat. Where we saw that Dominique's bob wasn't working for her, anyone else, or nature in general, and we watched Allison's ego almost inflate underneath her skin as she practiced her poses. Who would be eliminated? It had to be one or the other, considering that entire minutes of the episode were devoted to Dominique's tearful bunk-bed soliloquy about her cub (being a single lioness is hard), and that Allison had been running her mouth (and the apparently racist mouths of her barbies) for the whole episode.

So which is a greater sin: Dominique's looking "catalog," or Allison's not saying "Thank You" when Tyra told her to say thank you?

Obviously, Allison's and that's why she was cut. Lesson learned: Always do what Tyra tells you to do (unless it's a test or something) and never turn racist while playing with dolls.

Grade: B+

Stray Observations:

—Poor Whitney. That corset/skirt thing was so tight they almost had to roll her onto the platform. Why does Elle MacPherson hate plus size girls so much?

—"Dye was spelled D-Y-E, so I know it's going to be makeovers!" Thanks, Aimee. The cruelty of that LED Tyra ticker never stops.

—Speaking of which, are Aimee and Anya sharing the same fake putty nose? There's no way it can be real. Discuss.

—Let's play count the product placements! I have 4: Apple Bottom Jeans, Cover Girl, Wal-Mart, Elle's Intimates. Am I missing any?

—"Feel my booty! Feel it, Nigel!" Agh. Do it, Nigel, please before she figures out a way to make this show interactive.