Charlie Sheen is a tiger-blooded, Sheen-snorting warlock who's going to own CBS pretty soon

By Sean O'Neal | February 28, 2011 | 7:31pm

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Charlie Sheen continues to stop the world in its tracks with his megalomaniacal, mythology-laden boasts, like an Ayn Rand character spitting a Wu-Tang Clan verse, and now he’s taken his cause back to the television world that gave him his power and then ran screaming from it, unable to process. Like his previous radio addresses, Sheen’s appearances on both Today and Good Morning America are building to a $320 million “mental anguish” lawsuit against CBS, Warner Bros., and Two And A Half Men creator Chuck Lorre, as well as a possible tell-all memoir tentatively titled When The Laughter Stopped, about ~~the day~~ ~~Two And A Half Men~~ ~~went on the air~~ “the details that led up to the final implosion.”

Of course, by the time Sheen manages to get that magic and poetry from his fingertips onto the page (assuming his fire-breathing fists don’t render them into ash and cinder first), there may not be much left to tell. By now we’ve all heard Sheen’s reasoning for CBS’ inability to deal with his awesomeness, and today’s dueling interviews more or less continued down that path, with Sheen declaring, “They picked a fight with a warlock,” repeating his mantra, “Defeat is not an option,” and telling CBS that the only way he’ll return to the show is if they agree to make up for all the “psychological distress” he’s suffered recently by “licking my feet” and then giving him a $3 million-an-episode raise, in addition to those aforementioned damages. Should they refuse to acquiesce, he also has a contingency plan in place: “After Wednesday, they'll have to rename Warner Bros. as Charlie's Bros," Sheen told RadarOnline. "I will fire those clowns and bring in my own team.”

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So, while we wait for all that to happen, Sheen is doing his level best in the interim to continue providing entertaining television. Asked by Today if he’s currently on drugs, Sheen replied, “Look at me. Duh,” a position he plans to elaborate on during a tomorrow night’s 20/20 with the already-immortal line, “I’m on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die.” (Note to kids: This goes double for synthesized, or “bathtub” Charlie Sheen.)

Indeed, it seems that mainlining Charlie Sheen requires a rather unique constitution, if his further comments on Alcoholics Anonymous are to be believed: “I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path, because it was written nice,” Sheen said. “It was written for normal people, people that aren’t special. People that don’t have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA.” When asked whether his newly manic belief that he is essentially a living animal-god with magical powers—if not the byproduct of a non-Charlie Sheen drug—could maybe suggest some sort of mental disorder, like being bipolar, Sheen replied, “I’m bi-winning. I win here. I win there.” To the Zazzle!

Anyway, you can probably expect more T-shirt-ready epics and aphorisms from Sheen throughout the week—especially now that his longtime publicist has quit, having long since given up any attempt to dilute this new, 100-percent concentrated Sheen into something potable by the masses. (Sheen, however, doesn't accept his resignation, saying, "Pussy. He's not allowed to quit, so you're fired.") And in addition to his 20/20 interview airing tomorrow, you can also check out Sheen’s just-completed talk with TMZ, where he dismissed dad Martin Sheen’s concerns as “the gibberish of fools,” said he can’t wait for his kids to come to him and say, “Dad, fill in the blanks. This shit's gnarly. This stuff's epic,” and then, most shockingly of all, suggested that he might be playing all of this stuff up a bit: “Not all of this is totally serious,” Sheen said. “There's a reason I've had mad success in comedy." We’ll leave it to you to figure out which parts. In the meantime, anyone who wants to send us a JPEG of Charlie Sheen as a fire-fisted, tiger-blooded warlock, we'll gladly begin using it with these near-hourly Sheen updates.

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