In what can only be considered a grave oversight, Dolly Parton has been recognized by the Guinness World Records 2018 edition for her hitmaking abilities, yet remains unacknowledged by the Guinness committee for her overall quality of being the fucking best. What’s up with that?
Billboard reports the country music singer received certificates commemorating two new records: Most decades with a Top 20 hit on Billboard’s Hot Country Songs chart—six of them, to be precise—and most hits on Billboard’s Hot Country Songs chart by a female artist, where she clocks in a staggering 107 songs. The 71-year-old says she was “humbled” by the records, which is doubly true when you consider that she could’ve snapped both these awards over her knee and said, “Where the FUCK is my ‘greatest of all time’ record?!” and we would have been 100 percent on her side.
For six consecutive decades, Parton has scored a top 20 hit, starting with “Something Fishy” in 1967 and most recently landing at number 18 (in 2016) with a new version of “Jolene”—featuring Pentatonix, though we won’t hold that against her. And that re-recording of “Jolene” counts as her 107th hit, which presumably blows every other artist out of the country-music water and then reminds them to stay there, if they know what’s good for them.
“I’ve always just written from my heart,” Parton says in an interview with Guinness Records. “I try not to dwell on just trying to be commercial and what’s a radio hit. Usually when an idea hits me, it comes from my heart.” Left unsaid was the implication that if the Guinness Records were also writing from the heart, it would have put Parton on the cover of every edition, along with a notice informing everyone that the singer has already achieved all the important Guinness Records, is now claiming the title of “Forever The Best,” and the remaining population of the world can just take their rest of the week off.