You hear about this? Jay Leno denies “being beaten up by the mob”

We’re all relieved Leno was well enough to get back on stage again. Still, the curious number of injuries has led some tabloids to wonder if we really heard about this, spurring rumors that Leno owes gambling debts, money the mob simply could not collect by asking him for it. Leno spoke against the rumors on a recent trip to Club Random, where Bill Maher puffed a blunt and asked Leno about his accident spree and the conspiracy theories they inspired. According to Maher, The Inquirer published theories regarding Leno’s “gambling debts” and his “being beaten up by the mob,” using the vehicular accidents and clumsy hillside strolls as cover.

“I love the idea that the Mob would drive to Greensburg, Pennsylvania,” he said, “wait outside the Hampton Inn on a kind of sleety, rainy day to throw me down a hill.” Despite Leno’s airtight logic (the mafia would never drive 40 minutes outside Pittsburgh to get anyone), Maher claimed the accidents were” cover stories.” Nevertheless, Leno’s story remains mostly unchanged. “What happened was the guy had a rope across his driveway, and it cut me,” Leno explained. “I got a new face when my face caught fire, and two months later [the motorcycle accident] tore my face, I had to call my face guy, ‘I need another face.’ […] I like the idea that they wouldn’t just take one of my cars to pay the gambling debt.”

Leno’s right about that. The man has a lot of money and a lot of collateral. Indeed, he could pay off whatever modest debt he owes the mafia— just as long as it doesn’t mean dipping into that Tonight Show money.