In 2014, Kim Kardashian solemnly vowed to “Break The Internet” with her racy Paper magazine cover, a cataclysmic event that sent the stock market plummeting and thoughtlessly left millions of travelers stranded. Having apparently learned nothing, Paper is now out to “Break The Internet” this time with a new issue featuring Nicki Minaj doing similarly risqué, router-disrupting things. Let us now acknowledge its existence, together.
Let us note that the cover story is titled “Minaj À Trois,” a play on Minaj’s last name that sexily suggests sex a three.
Let’s look upon the cover itself, which features three Nicki Minajes doing sexy sex stuff, like the kind you would do just prior to sex.
There we see one Nicki Minaj with long black hair, seated, wearing only pasties over her nipples, exposing an amount of surrounding breast flesh that may, on its own, only be capable of producing the briefest regional internet outage.
However, we must also take notice of a second Nicki Minaj with pinkish hair who’s brazenly touching the other Minaj’s breast as if to say, “Hello! What have we here?!” She is wearing a tight pink dress that has left her haunch exposed to the elements, sexily risking a cold.
And most importantly and internet-breakingly, there is a third and final Nicki Minaj whom we must address, one with long blond hair and black stiletto heels who is crouching between the legs of the first listed Nicki Minaj. She is curling her tongue in the general direction of this primary Minaj’s crotch. Do not question this tongue’s intent, for it is curved in a salacious manner that is unmistakable. Save all your documents on a local drive before it gets any closer.
The implication of this cover is that Nicki Minaj is so sexy that she would gladly have sex with herself, were science to make that possible. There would be no awkward conversations about it; the three Nicki Minajes would simply abscond to the nearest dressing room and get down, and they wouldn’t even be weird about it afterward—the way everyone always pretends like they wouldn’t but for real this time. No, they would just laugh it off as three people exploring their shared body, with zero emotional attachments. This is everything a strong, sexy, empowering threesome with yourself should be, and the internet is now irreparably broken by it.
We have now acknowledged Nicki Minaj’s magazine cover.