Things Britney Spears Allegedly Did

OK! magazine, the only tabloid to dutifully and accurately report all of Eva Longoria's wedding day utterances to their proper five-exclamation-point degree, has another red-hot scoop on its hands: Britney Spears' exceedingly cartoonish, and surely not-at-all exaggerated-in-order-to-inflate-newsstand-sales breakdown at an OK! photoshoot.

From TMZ.com:

In a surprising move, OK! Magazine says they're going to show Britney as she really was on the day of her disastrous photo shoot — the good, the bad and the unbelievably ugly!

In an exclusive statement to TMZ, OK! Editor-in-Chief Sarah Ivens said, "OK! Magazine spent a heartbreaking day with Britney Spears and witnessed first-hand an emotional cry for help that will leave you shocked and sad. This week, on newsstands Friday, the truth will be told."

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So just how loud was Britney's cry for help at the photoshoot? According to TMZ and some blog, Britney was "babbling like a baby – as in baby talk. Half the time her head can't stay straight, lolling around on her neck like a bobble." Not only that, but she went to the bathroom–with the door open! She picked up her puppy's poop–with a Chanel dress! She was paranoid during the interview–"fearing at one point the ceiling was about to cave in on her!" She ate fried chicken and wiped the grease–on a Gucci dress! She looked bad–like fat and bad! And then she got mad–and stormed out!

Based on these not-at-all-exaggerated reports, here's a list of other things Britney Spears (allegedly) did at the photoshoot:

—She endlessly quoted random passages from Anne Heche's memoir, Call Me Crazy.

—She had an assistant drive to a nearby grocery store and pick up 8 bottles of KC Masterpiece BBQ sauce because, "it's the best, y'all!" Later on, she dumped all 8 bottles of the sauce all over a rack of priceless Chanel couture gowns while mindlessly chanting, "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.."

—She went into the bathroom with a cageful of hamsters, only to emerge 30 minutes later giggling, empty cage in hand.

—She drank an entire bottle of her own perfume, then burped really loudly and she didn't even say excuse me!

—She dressed up like Fatty Arbuckle and raped a starlet with a coke bottle.