Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

More Than Anyone Ever Wanted To Know About Matthew McConaughey

Every once and a while, a straightforward article appears that is just 2 degrees shy of being a parody of itself. The latest to fall gently into this category: Us Weekly's "Hollywood's Sexiest Single," a thorough, and ultimately pointless extended glimpse into the life of Matthew McConaughey, or, as I like to call him, Dudethew, because I have no doubt that he punctuates each sentence with that word.

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In case you're wondering why

Us Weekly would run a 4-page article about Dudethew right now, the answer is simple: I have no idea. I think the editors just kept running across these fucking inescapable pictures of him obnoxiously exercising on beaches, mistook it for news of some kind, and so decided to write a really long article about the fact that Matthew McConaughey still exists, and, yes, he's still a douchebag. In fact, an alternate headline for this article could have been, "Douchin' It Up: A Summer In The Life Of Matthew McConaughey." A few highlights: —"Pity any other single man who was at Hyde lounge in West Hollywood on the night of July 6th…'He looked messy, yet women of all ages were lining up to talk to him.'" —"During a getaway to Costa Rica, 'Mateo,' as he called himself, partied in true bachelor style, dancing and drinking until early morning…he was spotted sitting Indian-style atop the bar at La Lora Amarilla, shouting, 'Margarita!'" —"McConaughey was so un-starlike that 'by the third night it was like, 'Is he still wearing the same outfit?' (Yes, he was–black shorts and a bandanna, to be exact.)" —"A few days later, while hanging at the Chateau Marmont with Lance Armstrong, Jake Gyllenhaal, and nine shots of vodka, McConaughey put his charisma to good use." —"A cross between country boy and hippie, McConaughey also loves to drink tequila, chew tabacco, sleep naked, dance and drum." —"In the meantime, he continues to abide by his motto: 'Just keep living.'" And then there's my favorite line, the beginning of which sounds like a clumsy euphemism: —"Although the actor makes his own body moisturizer, no one could ever accuse him of being a metrosexual: He has not worn deodorant in 20 years and says he prefers to 'bathe in a river instead of a shower.'" Dude, that's so deep, Dudethew.