Do you know dogs? Four legs, man’s best friend, wet noses? They’re generally somewhere between a cat and one of those exotic cats, size-wise, and they’re usually a normal animal color like white or brown? Well, hold onto your tails (oh, dogs also have tails), because there’s a dog out there who’s big, red, and allllmost looks so real that you might think he’s a real dog and not a poorly integrated CG creation whose appearance suggests that technology has not improved at all since the Lost In Space movie came out. But anyway, check out this fucking dog! He’s so big and red! Wow!
This is Clifford The Big Red Dog, which is based on the popular series of books, and this movie reveals—possibly for the first time, but we’re not going to pretend we’re experts on Clifford lore—that he’s big because his size is directly tied to how much his new owners love him. Does that mean he’d be even bigger if they loved him more? Or is there a chance he could’ve been slightly smaller? Quantifying love with a scale as direct as “dog size” seems problematic from a societal standpoint, but at least it only pertains to this specific dog… as far as we know. Just to be sure, tall people should ask their family if they love them a tall amount, and short people should ask if they’re only loved a short amount. For science.
Anyway, here’s a Clifford movie. Darby Camp plays Emily Elizabeth, Jack Whitehall plays her uncle (who recklessly buys her a puppy while her mother is away, which is extremely irresponsible), John Cleese plays the mysterious owner of the magic puppy store, and Kenan Thompson plays a vet who should immediately get on the phone with the government and tell them about the giant dog that’s going to be getting into all sorts of mischief in New York. He eats another dog in this trailer! And he fetches a man inside one of those inflatable balls who gets bopped around so hard that he does a Wilhelm scream! A Wilhelm scream in the trailer! This dog is a menace. Anyway, Clifford will be in theaters on September 17.