Dave “Coach Dave” Daubenmire is a right-wing Christian activist most famous for videos where he advocates for reclaiming the term “homophobe”; gets real worked up about “male butt sex” via comparisons centered on, weirdly, washing your hands at Wendy’s; and screams about how being called “bigot” is comparable to a racist slur that he’s more than willing to start shouting to make his point. Now, after being forced to confront yet another of his seemingly endless dark nights of the soul during last Sunday’s Super Bowl halftime show, this paragon of moral clarity has found himself so horned up he wants to sue the NFL.
This plan was discussed on the Monday morning edition of Daubenmire’s YouTube livestream, which was excerpted in a clip from Right Wing Watch for those who aren’t into a full hour of this stuff. In it, the good coach announces that he thinks “we oughta sue” the people responsible for presenting Shakira and Jennifer Lopez’s terrifyingly sexy medley to those who just wanted to watch some good old-fashioned football without having to worry about going to hell in the process.
“Were there any warnings before that Super Bowl halftime show?” he asks. “Were there any warnings that your 12-year-old young son, whose hormones are just getting ready, just starting to operate… Was there any warning that what he’s going to see might cause him to get sexually excited?”
His blood pressure rising—perhaps even higher than it did when the sinful Super Bowl cameras zoomed in on Shakira’s truth-telling hips shaking from side to side—Daubenmire suggests heading to court to hear if the “right to porn” trumps his “right to watch it.” He screams about not having been sufficiently warned about “crotch shots” (J.Lo, we learn, is well-known to the secular world as “an expert in crotch shots”) and says it’s “discriminatory” to mix his desire to watch football with his fear that having seen scantily clad women might stop him from getting into “the kingdom of Heaven” and “put [him] in danger of hellfire.” He caps off the point about how “they won’t even let you talk about homos on Facebook!” and quickly estimates the damages he’d seek at “about $867 trillion.”
Just in case you thought Coach Dave wasn’t serious, he posted a video on his detested Facebook to clear up what he meant about “the debauchery” that he admits he “didn’t even have it come into my house” because “past Super Bowls” forewarned him of the evil. Instead, he looked up clips filled with those gosh-darned “crotch shots” and, having thought clearly about all of this, says he still plans to find a lawyer who’s ready to help him sue the NFL, Pepsi, and anyone else he holds responsible.
Watch the above for more elaborations on this theme, including an aside that compares the halftime show to him bringing his “two very attractive daughters” into a public school to “sit down and twerk and do crotch shots.” While he works on getting the roughly $867 trillion payout he rightfully deserves, let us hope that his lawyer at least advises him to avoid these kinds of analogies in the future.
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