According to a recent report issued by the State Department, last year the president of Azerbaijan gave President Bush a "hand-woven rug featuring George and Laura Bush, the presidential seal, the U.S. Capitol, New York skyline, the Statue of Liberty, the White House, and his own palace" as a token of his esteem. (He was going to add the Golden Gate Bridge, a portrait of Elvis standing in front of the Sears Tower, the Washington Monument but covered in gold, and a caricature of Liza Minelli in Cabaret, but he didn't want it to look tacky.) While I would love to give each and every one of you, dear readers, an equally great and thoroughly ridiculous gift, I don't know how to operate a loom, and I've never visited the souvenir shop in Crazytown.

So instead of giving all of you your own personalized national monument tapestry, in the spirit of the season (which we all know is about "creating shiny moments"), I'm going to give you all this photo of a Paula Deen ham (which, in case you were wondering, is the perfect gift to place on your sleeping spouse on Christmas morning):

As well as the following Ashlee Simpson video, which will be the soundtrack to your annoyance in 2008. Get ready to get irritated!

Happy Holidays! Also, sorry.

(Regularly scheduled hating will resume in 2008.)