Asshole moves

I’ve been dating this guy for almost two months. It’s been pretty good, except the sex isn’t really the best. I have this other male friend who has had a crush on me. Long story short: My friend made a move on me the other night. I told him I couldn’t, and he knew why, but to be honest, I was insanely turned on by his forwardness. He apologized, but a week later we hung out, and I told him that it really intrigued me, and we ended up having crazy cool sex—satisfying in all the ways the guy I’m dating isn’t. I haven’t told the guy I’m seeing about this and I don’t plan to. But I feel guilty. I keep rationalizing that we have never had a talk about exclusivity, and I therefore have no obligation to him. I want to keep fucking my friend, but I also enjoy dating this other guy. Am I an asshole? Am I obligated to disclose that I’m not interested in monogamy with him?
Too Many Intrigues

Are you an asshole? That can’t be ruled out, TMI, but I can’t make a determination with the limited data you’ve provided. One asshole move—and cheating on Mr. Two Months was definitely an asshole move—does not an asshole make. We know this because while everyone is guilty of the occasional asshole move, not everyone is an asshole. Assholes are made when asshole moves come one right after the other, and an ever-thickening layer of asshole moves hardens into total assholery.

Anyway, while you might not have had a conversation with the guy you’re currently dating/cheating on about exclusivity, you wouldn’t feel guilty about what/who you did if you didn’t think Mr. Two Months was operating under the assumption that you two were exclusive. So the cheating was an asshole move and your rationalization, as you seem to be aware, is a pile of self-serving bullshit that’s equal parts transparent and unnecessary. Because as much as you like hanging out with Mr. Two Months, the sex hasn’t been good for you and you haven’t been good to him. Don’t negotiate a nonmonogamous agreement. End it.

I’ve read that young people don’t make phone calls anymore—talking on the phone is for olds (full disclosure: we olds hardly speak to each other on the phone anymore, either)—so I’m surprised your young-and-mono GF wants to hear your young-and-poly voice on a daily basis. I think you should propose a young-and-fun compromise: texting instead of phoning during the week and a Skype/masturbation session on the weekend.

A loving and supportive partner, a happy relationship, and good sex that occasionally tips into the amazing column—yeah, most people would tell you that’s not only enough, LIAR, it’s a better relationship than the one they’re currently in, recently left, or ever hope to find. But the fact that most people would like to trade places with you isn’t relevant, LIAR, because what you have with your boyfriend isn’t enough for you. You want love, happiness, stability, and the freedom to fuck other guys—and you would want that freedom even if your boyfriend was capable of dominating you in the sack just the way you like.

Seeing as you know this about yourself—seeing as you know that monogamy isn’t for you (see: the wandering eye at 24 months, the fucking that other guy at his place)—making a monogamous commitment you know you can’t keep is an asshole move. So here’s what you’re gonna do: Tell your lovely, loving boyfriend that nonmonogamy is a non-negotiable. You are willing, of course, to negotiate with him about the form your open relationship might take, but you must make it clear to him that a closed relationship is a recipe for disaster—because sooner or later, you will cheat on him.

If he fights on that point, LIAR, if he tells you that he’s sure you’re capable of being monogamous, then you can tell him that by “sooner or later” you meant “last week, with this dude I met in a bar.”

Full disclosure: I was drinking when I wrote my response to BFF. So just as it’s possible that alcohol played a role in the drama BFF described, it’s possible I neglected to point that fact out because I was a little drunky myself.