Once my mind regained function after watching American Gladiators on Monday night, I tried to recall the names of the Gladiators. I could only remember one: Wolf. Why did I remember Wolf? He howled like a wolf whenever the camera swooped near the vicinity of his spandex.
The rest of the Gladiators were a fog of muscles and grunts repeatedly punching my brain. Clearly, they need gimmicks at least as good as calling yourself Wolf and then howling like a wolf in order to be a memorable part of Flashing Light Scream Slap Soup Poured Directly On Your Temporal Lobe (aka American Gladiators). After all, memorable, interesting characters are what make us keep watching television shows, right?
So, here are some ideas for better Gladiator identities:
Agggghhhhhhhh!
Gimmick: Agggghhhhhhhh! screams "Agggghhhhhhh!" whenever he appears on camera. Also, sometimes he squints at his opponents. This is called "Giving them the Agggghhhhhhhh! eye.
Male
Gimmick: Possessing a y chromosome, straddling two genders. Male enjoys rattling her contestants' psyches with questions like, "Which bathroom do I use at restaurants?" And "Quick! We're in Italy, and I'm ready to kick your ass. Am I 'pronto' or 'pronta'?"