Once my mind regained function after watching American Gladiators on Monday night, I tried to recall the names of the Gladiators. I could only remember one: Wolf. Why did I remember Wolf? He howled like a wolf whenever the camera swooped near the vicinity of his spandex.

The rest of the Gladiators were a fog of muscles and grunts repeatedly punching my brain. Clearly, they need gimmicks at least as good as calling yourself Wolf and then howling like a wolf in order to be a memorable part of Flashing Light Scream Slap Soup Poured Directly On Your Temporal Lobe (aka American Gladiators). After all, memorable, interesting characters are what make us keep watching television shows, right?

So, here are some ideas for better Gladiator identities:


Gimmick: Agggghhhhhhhh! screams "Agggghhhhhhh!" whenever he appears on camera. Also, sometimes he squints at his opponents. This is called "Giving them the Agggghhhhhhhh! eye.


Gimmick: Possessing a y chromosome, straddling two genders. Male enjoys rattling her contestants' psyches with questions like, "Which bathroom do I use at restaurants?" And "Quick! We're in Italy, and I'm ready to kick your ass. Am I 'pronto' or 'pronta'?"



Gimmick: Smelling bad, holding his nose while glaring at opponents.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Gimmick: Throwing dimes at people. Also, FDR taunts opponents by menacingly talking about the New Deal.

The Barista


Gimmick: Serving contestants really hot coffee so they burn their tongues, wearing an apron, screaming "Latte!" When The Barista crushes an opponent, the announcers always say, "Looks like she got that order to go!"



Gimmick: Producing high-quality raw silk from her salivary glands, laying eggs, Silkworm noises.


Gimmick: Doing really Chad things like using TurboTax, and talking about his great new toaster oven. When he bests a contestant, Hulk Hogan always sums up the action by saying, "That was so totally Chad." Or, "Classic Chad."