Patton Oswalt assures Florida and Utah audiences that his cancelled shows weren't worth dying for

At least a comedian can get some material out of a turn in the social media idiot-storm. That’s how Patton Oswalt approached the recent backlash against his decision to cancel a few shows in his first post-lockdown stand-up tour, anyway. Appearing on Monday’s Tonight Show to promote the third season of his rescued-by-Peacock sitcom A.P. Bio, the comic, actor, author, podcaster, and occasional supervillain was typically self-effacing about the furor amongst a predictably vocal minority concerning his decision to cancel several shows rather than potentially lure fans into a state-mandated COVID trap.

“Don’t roll the dice for that stuff,” Oswalt told Jimmy Fallon while imagining a COVID-striken Patton Oswalt fan’s last words being, “I’m so glad I got to see that fat nerd whine about The Madalorian.” (Oswalt noted that at least the poor guy should have held out for Lizzo.) Now, Patton Oswalt is a funny guy, certainly, but part of his appeal has always been his ability to cut through the nonsense in unique ways, and it’s hard to imagine anyone who actually enjoys Oswalt’s work objecting to the comedian killing a few stand-up dates rather than actual human beings in his audience. But this is America in the COVID times, so Oswalt told Fallon that, while “90 percent” of the feedback to his decision has been positive, the loudest has inevitably come from people with two types of predictably moronic tacks of abuse.

For the “Patton is a Nazi” crowd, the comic nodded in mock agreement since, as he put it, “That was Hitler’s big thing” in assuring that everybody started ingesting random substances rather than take a scientifically vetted, free, and life-saving vaccine. As for the “Patton is a pussy” mob, Oswalt asked, “When did everybody become Thanos” in adopting a “Whoever dies, dies” worldview toward the continued existence of human society. Oswalt took the blame for his cancelled shows largely off the backs of the individual performing venues themselves, pinning it firmly on the state officials (like Florida governor and Delta Variant undercover hitman, Ron DeSantis) who have looked into the COVID storm and decided that the only sane solution is to legally forbid venues in their states from requiring strict COVID and vaccine protocols in order for people to gather for a few chuckles. (Or, indeed, to go to school.)

Oswalt didn’t mention any politicians by name during his appearance—not even Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), whose adherence to the “let COVID decide” GOP Death Cult’s teachings saw the Republican lawmaker try out his own stand-up material at Oswalt’s expense after the cancellation news. As one recalls, after Cruz disastrously chided that “both of” Oswalt’s fans would be disappointed by the decision, the undeniably successful, acclaimed, and in-demand comedian and active Twitter sniper Oswalt went on a surgically targeted social media offensive against Cruz. Starting out with the resigned sigh of a person about to regrettably but necessarily obliterate an unarmed would-be bully, Oswalt taught Cruz a free lesson in zinger-craft, tossing off a series of put-downs concerning everything from Cruz’s self-outed porn habits, to his frozen Texas-fleeing Cancun cowardice, to the undeniably damning reality that he’s Ted Cruz. Don’t come for a comedian with some weak-ass, shakily premised jokes, is the lesson.

Oh, and if anyone want’s to see Patton Oswalt’s “Who’s Ready To Laugh?” tour, there are about two dozen un-cancelled dates all over the country coming up, including two shows at Washington D.C.’s Kennedy Center, should Cruz decide that he needs some more pointers. Make sure to bring proof of vaccination or a negative COVID test. And hurry up, Ted—Oswalt’s tour is selling out fast.