It’s 3 p.m.! Let The A.V. Club briefly make use of a few precious minutes of your rapidly depleting leisure time with some pop culture ephemera pulled from the depths of YouTube.
From this floral-wallpapered house in the suburbs comes America’s favorite diet video, Get Slim, Stay Slim! Look at this clip, filled with glamorous 1980s paraphernalia: jump cuts, zooms, slow over-the-shoulder glances, big hair, leotards, and cheesy techno music, plus thousands of verbal affirmations! Truly, it is the ideal star vehicle for Wheel Of Fortune’s Vanna White!
Believe it or not, this chestnut of VHS ephemera claims, White is just like you. She crochets, she loves sports (Go Lakers!), and she was once—at some vague point in time between starring in pageants and flipping letters—overweight. Until one day, she saw herself nude in a full-length mirror, and decided enough was enough.
Thrill as she documents the easily replicable Vanna White lifestyle! Start your day with a rigorous 20-minute morning walk—but if that sounds daunting, never fear! You can work your way up to that. In the meantime, lose that fat by carrying groceries, walking up and down the stairs, writing in your journal, distracting yourself from your hunger with fun hobbies like meeting your fans, hosting romantic candlelight dinners for your “special friends,” and buying pita pockets. Mmmm!
But the thing that will help you finally lose those last few pounds is the Vanna White signature workout, which you can do from the comfort of your own home, while lounging in your football jersey or your favorite bubblegum pink jumpsuit. The only muscles you need to exercise are your cheek muscles. You can do it sitting down, while closely examining your fish tank, or even while sneaking away from your cats to have some fun of your own. It’s a puzzle anyone can solve!
Dieting is actually one of the best things you can do for yourself. And did you know it could be fun, too? You may be feeling less energetic, maybe even depressed. But don’t be! Just write all your feelings down in your journal. Let’s go feel great!