Let's identify the most offensive thing in these Oscars nominee swag bags

Top contenders include $10K in botox, multiple free vacations, and bottles of "spermindine"

By Andrew Paul  |  March 22, 2022 | 8:00pm
Film Features Oscars
Let's identify the most offensive thing in these Oscars nominee swag bags
Of course unnecessary gold flakes are involved. Photo: Distinctive Assets

The Academy of Motion Pictures & Sciences hosted its annual Cool Kids Party, the 2022 Oscars ceremony, this time continuing to insist upon their cultural relevancy and egalitarianism, but the Oscars can’t do anything to change the simple fact that their get-together is increasingly seen as yet another ivory tower institution that many of us simply can’t be bothered to give a damn about.

It’s also hard to make that case when the Academy can’t seem to shake PR remoras like Distinctive Assets. For years, the LA-based business has made a name for itself by distributing gift bags to nominees that make the Sharper Image catalog look like a RadioShack mailbox flier from 1996.

This time around, Distinctive Assets is doling out “Everybody Wins” swag bags for 25 “top nominees” in acting and directing categories. This year’s list of recipient includes: Nicole Kidman, Steven Spielberg, Denzel Washington, Jessica Chastain, Kristen Stewart, and Will Smith— and these gift bundles are each apparently worth a nebulous, infuriating “six-figures.”

“We are humbled to be commemorating two decades of curating a specialty gift bag that has become a global pop culture phenomenon… we are not only celebrating these incredible nominees but also a return to normalcy in a post-pandemic world, ” said DA founder, Lash Fary, someone who clearly doesn’t understand the meaning of words like “humbled,” “phenomenon,” or “normalcy.”

The 25 recipients will reportedly receive, among other obscenities, gold fleck-infused olive oil, free vacations at Scottish castles and $10K spas, complimentary plastic surgery, and bottles of some shit called “spermindine.” Here’s a bottle of some avocado oil that normally costs $200 for 8.5 ounces.

Now, to be fair, this $200 avocado oil promises to “Lift the Oxidative Burden at the Cellular Level,” which is something everyone obviously could use—especially multimillionaire celebrities.

If we had to make an Academy Award-winning Sophie’s Choice decision here, however, we’d probably pick Shinery, a hand soap purportedly designed to clean both your dirty mitts and gleaming jewelry at the same time. In all honesty, that present isn’t any more or less worse than the rest of the “Everyone Wins” bags, but we just wanted to pick one as quickly as possible to wash our hands of this grotesquerie, so to speak.

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