Why see The X Factor live? This is the question I began asking myself as I sat alone in a holding area outside CBS Television City in the late afternoon L.A. haze, without a phone to tweet snide observations or even check the time with. I mean, there’s the obvious novelty of being in a big loud technicolor room that has Simon Cowell and Nicole Scherzinger in it, but then there’s also the sheer terror of being in a big loud technicolor room that has Simon Cowell and Nicole Scherzinger in it. I could have stayed home and watched this from the comfort of my couch and remained healthily detached from this televised spectacle that has steadily consumed more and more of my brainspace week after week. But no, it was clearly time to dive in and offer up the last remains of my sanity to SyCo Entertainment.
I guess the main reason I wanted to go was to see if I was missing anything. On a show that so heavily emphasizes moment-to-moment experience over history or mythology (there’s a reason they never put out DVDs of past Idol seasons,) a show where, week after week, the people in the studio so frequently seem to be experiencing something completely different from what I am, it seemed useful to try it their way. X Factor is filmed on the same sound stage as Idol, and even though this latest outing isn’t even coming close to matching the original’s status as a national obsession, it was sort of a trip to find myself at the source of a not-insignificant amount of watercooler conversations. It was like going on a field trip to the cereal factory in fifth grade and secretly hoping to find out just how much rat feces they put in the stuff that millions of people eat for breakfast every morning (while of course being equally open to the possibility that the cereal factory is a beautiful, wholesome place.)
I was actually caught off guard by how genuinely exciting it was to walk out into the X-Dome for the first time. Like so many other entertainment icons, it’s smaller than it looks on screen, but the stage is still every bit as impressive, IMAX-like in how completely it takes over the room. The DJ was spinning everyone’s favorite jams (“Firework,” “I Gotta Feeling,” “Firework” again,) and the air was positively buzzing with anticipation. Ear plugs were distributed for the considerable over-50 crowd. Then, after a surprisingly brief bit of audience warmup, the house lights lowered and the stage lit up; the crowd went bananas and it was TIME. TO FACE. THE MUSIC.
But first, it was time to face our beloved host. Is there anybody on this earth less rock ’n’ roll than Steve Jones? Who gets escorted onstage by a bevy of bootyshakin’ dancers in daisy dukes and reacts with “Well, that was pleasant!”? If you are wondering if SJ is any more charismatic in person than on TV, the answer is no, no, a thousand times no. I’ve never seen someone so tall and conventionally good-looking be so clueless as to how to inhabit a space and interact with a crowd. He looked like a little nervous choirboy at a middle-school holiday program, trembling before his solo in the middle of the big, empty stage. He introduces the judges, and what better way for my most favorite Nicole Scherzinger to greet me from the X Factor stage for the first time than with a ridiculous metal face and devil horns? That C-list-pop-star-on-autopilot act combined with her desperate but barely coherent effort to appear edgy and soulful (“Keep on rockin’ the free world!” she shouted apropos of nothing as Steve did the outro tonight) is the Scherzinger Way, and it was in full force tonight.
There were a couple of acts that, like Steve and Nicole, were even less impressive in person than their already iffy onscreen presence. Seeing Stacy Francis live did nothing to make me like her more, especially her downright scary ice-cold reaction to the judges’ unfavorable remarks. Up until her performance I had noted that I couldn’t hear the vocals well enough to judge the prior contestants’ pitch, but, well… I didn’t have any problems hearing Stacy tonight. A terrible song choice (I don’t know about you, but I associate “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” with Celine Dion more than Meat Loaf) and flailing vocals coupled with a stank attitude and a notable absence of pity material in the intro package made for one hard-to-watch performance. Stacy was the only contestant who didn’t interact with the audience before or after her performance (not even a wave or a smile) and as soon as she walked on stage the energy in the room vanished. If there is any justice, America will take a break from picking off Paula’s groups for just one week and just put this woman out of her misery.
Speaking of the groups, how did Paula’s Last White Hope/America’s premier all-female Fleetwood Mac cover group do tonight? Well, they should definitely be kissing Stacy’s feet for sucking so hard, that’s for sure. Lakoda Rayne had a lot of supporters in the house tonight, and I am very grateful to the good people at Fox for seating me far, far away from them so that they didn’t hear me involuntarily guffaw at the group’s ridiculous choreography (The sparkleboxes! The male dancers! It was a veritable cheese platter up there.) On the good side, somebody was smart enough to put the girls’ names up on the screen behind them. For my sake and Lakoda’s, keep doing that, whoever you are: they sorely need anything to make them memorable at this point and hopefully buy them a couple more weeks. Those four are obviously doomed and they know it—I love how cavalierly they just out and say that their dreams are over once they get voted off. None of this “you haven’t seen the last of us” crap for Lakoda Rayne, nosiree.
Really, there were a lot of people who would have looked a lot worse if it weren’t for Stacy. Even though Melanie didn’t fare nearly as poorly as the elder diva, her performance of “Everybody Hurts” was not her best. I told her after the show what I’ve told you guys week after week: she needs to do a “Single Ladies” or some other equally danceable song to get everyone as excited about her flawless voice as they ought to be. She seemed surprised to hear that, or maybe she’s just gotten used to humoring nerds like me who think they know what’s best for her X Factor run. But seriously, her voice is powerful in person—it has this razor-sharp edge that just cuts through the air. It’s a shame it’s taking her this long to figure out how to be as engaging as a performer.