American Idol: "1 Of 13 Voted Off"

Although I have seen almost every season of American Idol, I consider myself a “selective viewer.” To preserve my sanity, I come in after the initial audition rounds and never, ever watch the results shows unless something important is happening (like a Kelly Clarkson performance; I have standards to uphold, here). Tonight was my first results show in at least three seasons, and it did nothing but reinforce my choice to normally give them a pass. This is one egregiously boring and bloated hour of television, folks.
The hour starts out with enough bombast and manufactured drama to make you believe that something exciting is about to happen. That’s not so much the case. Instead, we get lots of filler and three middling to terrible live performances. This is not news to those of you who regularly watch these shows, but I am astounded to see just how little they’ve evolved since I last watched. I will say, though, that Idol is better at making a spectacle out of absolutely nothing than almost anything else on television.
I’m actually happy to see they are still doing cheesetastic group numbers, and the Michael Jackson one tonight definitely didn’t disappoint. The only jarring thing was to learn they are now lip syncing these performances, and still somehow they are out of tune. How does that work, exactly? The entire thing is ridiculous and genuinely awful, in a strangely comforting way. It could have been salvaged into so-bad-it's-good territory if they’d had the balls to give someone the Macaulay Culkin rap from the “Black or White” video, but alas. They did not. The whole thing ends on “Man in the Mirror,” because it is some sort of law that if you do a Michael Jackson medley, you must sing that song.
The second musical performance of the night was former Idol Adam Lambert, doing an unplugged version of one of his songs I’ve never heard before. (Stay tuned: This is going to become a theme.) I haven’t warmed to Adam’s solo work, but he was a welcome presence on the show during his season. Someone who thinks out of the box and enjoys being over the top is very welcome in a show usually populated with milquetoast singers. Also, he has great hair. His performance is perfectly serviceable, and features the signature Lambert wailing. After that performance, it’s even more obvious James Durbin is basically Lambert 2.0: The Lesser Bert.