Confirming what many insane people have long suspected but few have thought to put into academic study, researchers at Cornell University have found that cereal boxes are looking at children and bending them to their will. In a newly released report titled “Eyes In The Aisles: Why Is Cap’n Crunch Looking Down At My Child?”—a report that, somehow, had nothing to do with Cap’n Crunch’s surprisingly uppity attitude—researchers looked at 65 cereals across 10 different grocery stores to examine how they’re being marketed to children. There they confirmed that the most obviously kid-friendly ones were typically placed on the bottom two shelves—all the easier to be grabbed by toddlers who are then screamed at while you try to slide by, grimacing as suppressed feelings of shame are dredged from your subconscious.
More interesting were the findings on the cereals’ cartoon mascots, whose eyes were discovered to have an average “downward gaze at an angle of 9.67 degrees.” While adults might attribute this to their having some modicum of shame—say, Count Chocula’s embarrassment at being some kind of vampire for chocolate, which makes zero sense—it’s more likely they’re actually drawn to make eye contact with children, with the mascots’ eyes hovering around 20 inches above the ground.