Fifty Shades Of Grey now in classical music form, could soon be in "movie from The Killing's Veena Sud" form

By Sean O'Neal  |  August 7, 2012 | 10:12pm
Aux Features Film

While Fifty Shades Of Grey has most importantly taught the world how to love—be emotionally withholding and abusive, add money and ass-play—did you know that it also provides a more well-rounded education in even finer things, such as classical music appreciation, and then pretend like you didn't know that so that no one would look at you differently? Whatever, this isn't about you. The point is, Fifty Shades has sparked more than just increased sales of sex toys, "sugar daddy" website memberships, jizzed-on classic literature, and other works of Twilight-inspired fan fiction receiving their own seven-figure deals, thus making every other author wonder why they should even bother writing anything else, he sighed while unbuttoning his crisp, $500 dress shirt and then making powerful, long-lasting love to her quivering lady-flower, before going back to being a brooding rich asshole.

Believe it or not, it's also spurred more people to buy copies of the classical music tracks referenced between all those clunky depictions of orgasms. Now fans can download all those referenced songs in one place with Fifty Shades Of Grey: The Classical Album—a 15-track collection personally selected by author E.L. James to serve as a companion to her sort-of-work. "For those whose passions have been stirred anew by James' prose, here are the equally moving works of Chopin, Debussy, and Rachmaninoff that they can masturbate to," the ad copy would read, were we allowed to write it.

Of course, the most obvious extension of the Fifty Shades empire is its inevitable film adaptation, a project that promises to be the Lord Of The Rings of erotic literature (provided you are, hopefully, not among those who already consider Lord Of The Rings erotic literature). Although there have been various, quickly denied rumors about writers, directors, and stars floated such as Bret Easton Ellis and Emma Watson over the past few weeks, The Hollywood Reporter has what it claims is the shortlist for screenwriters in contention, and it's definitely unusual: Crazy Stupid Love's Dan Fogelman, One True Thing's Karen Croner, Terra Nova's Kelly Marcel, and, sure to provoke the most debate, The Killing's Veena Sud. None of those names particularly scream "S&M romance," of course. But we suppose if there's one person who knows something about dressing up flimsy material with a lot of drawn-out repetition, being withholding, and torture, it's Veena Sud.

 
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