White House does not share your optimistic appraisal of the Death Star being completed as planned

By Sean O'Neal | January 14, 2013 | 5:34pm

Aux Features Film

Once more demonstrating the craven kowtowing to our interstellar enemies that has characterized the entire Obama administration, the White House has officially rejected a petition to build the Death Star that would have made America the ultimate power in the universe, despite some 34,000 signatures suggesting we use it. In a response knowingly titled "This Isn't The Petition Response You're Looking For," Paul Shawcross—White House Chief of the Science and Space and Sad Devotion to Ancient Religions Branch—clung to his sorcerer's ways by dissuading the nation from being too prematurely proud of the technological terror it could construct. For one thing, Shawcross points out, the cost of a Death Star is estimated at a staggering $850,000,000,000,000,000, and America is suddenly putting a price on defense. For another, "The Administration does not support blowing up planets," at least not until their possible oil reserves can be properly assessed.

Shawcross does, however, make an excellent point: "Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?" Indeed, until our engineers can figure out a way to create a fully armed and operational battle station without the necessary vulnerability of a thermal exhaust port, we're stuck with all the other space things Shawcross points to (the International Space Station, robots on Mars, upcoming missions to the moon, etc.) that nevertheless do little to keep the local systems and Rebel scum in line. And so here we sit, vulnerable to the impending construction of North Korea's own Death Star.